Big News! Jen is moving into the house with Biscuit and I! Shocking eh?
Well it’s not forever, just for a couple of weeks in-between moving up to London. She has to wait a couple of weeks for her new place to become available and the lease on her current place expires before then.
Biscuit had a chat with me about it to see if I was fine with it. Of course I was, but I thought it would be excellent opportunity to set Jen some tasks on a condition of her moving in.
So far I have
1) Defeat The Theatre producer at a 3D computer game
Something shooty, she hasn’t got her head around modern 3d games yet so she can’t play Biscuit’s beloved Borderlands with him
2) Make us a pie
Pies are excellent
3) Force Biscuit to update the blog more often
Although since she doesn’t know about the blog I’m not sure how I’ll organise that one.
Biscuit has some posts that are almost ready to go up but he is a little busy so I’m going post some stuff and the he will do a catch-up post.
It was the first weekend of the Theatre Producer and I being an item so you know, I wanted it to be good. Also Jen was going be around so it would be the first time since the challenge had started that both Biscuit and I had girlfriends at the same time.
Yes, we’ve never managed it before.
On the Saturday the Theatre Producer went to a wedding, Jen and Biscuit were out drinking so I had the entire day to clean the house and get things ready. What actually happened is that I watched most of season 3 of the Wire and I did one wash but forgot to put it out to dry.
The Theatre Producer was going to come around after the wedding so she was going to appear at around 10-ish slightly sozzled and in a fancy frock. This is a good way to arrive.
I used the time waiting for her to arrive to watch another episode of the Wire and to cook some oat biscuits (cookies).
Yes, I’ll make someone a lovely housewife some day.
She arrived rather sober, but luckily I had put together a puzzle for her.
It consisted of, a glass, ice-cubes, Hendricks gin, tonic water and a cucumber. She soon solved the puzzle and we got to enjoy a lovely gin and tonic.
After a few hours of chatting and catching up, we retired to my bedroom. Before we could even discuss who was getting which side of the bed a quite drunk Biscuit and an absolutely mashed Jen appeared.
They weren’t being stealthy and seemed in an excellent mood so we went downstairs to say hello. The first ever hello between the two girls was quite boozy and happened on the stairs.
It went well because soon we were all sat in the garden drinking more gin or in Jen’s case half a bottle of rum. We stayed outside chatting about stuff until it started to get light again and then everyone went to bed. Well almost everyone. Jen wanted to sleep in the garden but I’ll leave that story for Biscuit to tell.
A good Sunday
The next morning I woke up ages before the Theatre Producer. She definitely wanted to sleep longer so I set some brioche to rise and went for a run, when I returned she was still asleep but Biscuit and Jen were awake. Jen was feeling a bit sorry for herself. Biscuit made her drunk some of his special make-hangovers-go-away drink and then sent her off to bed.
It was a really hot day so we had decided to treat our ladies with a BBQ. Biscuit and I went to the shops and got loads of food and loads of booze.
When we returned Biscuit fired up the BBQ and I got the brioche out of the oven. The Theatre Producer appeared and we ate fresh brioche with posh jam. Jen appeared too, she and the Theatre Producer were both wearing long floaty summer dresses.
After the brioche we put some chairs out in the garden and then spent the rest of the afternoon in the sun eating too much and drinking. It was an excellent way to spend a day, even the naughty pigeons who spent the whole time fighting in the tree couldn’t spoil it.
In the evening The Theatre Producer and I had a dance-off. I won, but she showed promise. I pulled together a bag of stuff and we went back to her place for the night.
We ate salad while watching Flight of the Conchords. I felt like such a grown-up.
She really is terribly nice.
Marriage Percentage: 57%
Today is the official 2 year anniversary of when I asked Jen to be my girlfriend (and she said yes).
To celebrate this we booked a day off work to take advantage of the bank holiday weekend and have 4 days away on a sunny foreign beach for a relaxing holiday.
We missed out celebrating properly last year as Jen’s school friends booked a group weekend away on the only date they could all do so we were determined to make it special this year.
Unfortunately Jen’s Grandpa died rather unexpectedly a week ago. He was a lovely man who she was very close to and it was all a rather horrible surprise. The funeral was on Friday near Manchester so we originally adjusted the plans to fly on Saturday, in an attempt to salvage some of our weekend away, before discovering that there was a big family meal planned on the Sunday, today.
The plans were officially broken. So, instead of the Seychelles, this evening we are staying in a Brittania Hotel in Stoke-on-Trent.
We’re in Stoke-on-Trent as a necessary evil because tomorrow we’re spending the day at Alton Towers for super fun times and it’s only a short drive in the morning. The downside of this, however, is that we’re in Stoke-on-Trent.
On the plus side, if you want to buy a sad looking wedding dress, eat a curry or stare listlessly into the canal contemplating why you’re in Stoke-on-Trent then your desires will be well catered for.
By way of a celebration of our 2 years of glorious relationship we visited Stoke-on-Trent’s second best restaurant. The best restaurant is closed on Sundays. Armed with a carrier bag of Tiger beers, we took our seat in the Indian restaurant, officially doubling the number of diners.
After 5 minutes, 2 families came in and were sat on either side of us, ignoring the 20 other empty tables, and both then got their food first because our waiter had forgotten to take out order to the chef. The small child to my left was playing on his Nintendo 3DS whilst his mum talked about how the “Chechnyan” bombers were brainwashed to be soldiers of God and his dad shot me suspicious glances.
The true delight of this restaurant, however, is the combination of ’80s power ballads drifting around the half empty room accompanied by the silent visuals of Bollywood music videos on the 40″ TV. Jennifer Rush’s “The Power of Love”, Celine Dion’s “Think Twice” and George Michael’s “Careless Whisper” all followed each other as a succession of Indian women and men coyly danced behind fluted pillars, teased suitors and hung off the back off tuk-tuks, hair flowing in the desert wind and somehow all in time to the music.
The whole thing was so hilariously miserable that we almost choked on our bottles of Tiger with laughter. I asked Jen if this was where she’d imagine being on our second anniversary.
Finally, Annie Lennox’s “No More I Love Yous” finished off our will to live so we left our half eaten currys and sloped back to the Britannia.
Perhaps we should have been having a romantic break away, basking on a white sandy beach, but I’ve just given Jen my last Rolo and we’re going to be to watch Breaking Bad. It may not be what we chose for this weekend but what’s most important is that I’m spending tomorrow with the woman I love eating as many giant hot dogs and ice cream as possible then getting violently spun upside down and possibly vomiting bright orange sugary drinks.
And on that note… play ‘em out Sexy Sax Man!
There are lots of things I really love about living with Jen:
- She brings home surprise booze and chocolate on a Friday night.
- She humours my increasingly obsessive behaviour with feeding and housing the birds in the garden (and hushed exclamations of “LOOK!!!” every couple of minutes when a tit lands on the window feeder).
- Lazy weekend lie-ins ’til mid-day.
- Doing decorating together (basically giant Lego).
- She organised a surprise Rock Band birthday party for me in the garden under a gazebo, like playing to a really tiny festival and plastic instruments.
- Having my Partner in Crime on hand every day for adventures, My Little Pony and serious high-fives.
However, as the tides ebb and flow and the moon waxes and wanes, so there is also a darker side to living with my girlfriend.
This particular darker side is that she is convinced our house is trying to kill her. Girls are mad.
This manifests itself in a number of ways. Initially it was the belief that the house is maliciously costing her money; the electric shower breaking; the leaking boiler; the doorframe falling apart, the mouse in the kitchen.
It then progressed to an insistence that the house is actively trying to kill her off;
- Trying to freeze her during the snowy weather by euthanising the heating
- Poisoning her by setting the drill battery on fire whilst charging.
- Tripping her up on the gate so she skinned her shin AND cut her face.
- Crushing her toes by moving the landing ladder in the night and making her fall over it.
- Gouging a chunk out of her leg with the stationary Workmate that is propped up against the wall.
The last of these happened earlier today and the first I knew was a banshee cry of “I FUCKING HATE THIS , FUCKING HOUSE!” and a teary Jen looking at a bloody hole in her jeans. To be fair it was a nasty gouge and I would be pretty upset too. Once Dr. Biscuit had cleaned and plastered the wound we had to have a little chat about how the house isn’t really trying to make her life hell, it’s just an unfortunate series of unrelated events.
Once she had calmed down we decided to make banana bread.
10 minutes later the garden hose exploded in her hands, all over the kitchen.
There’s been a lot of big news coming from Toast recently and you’re possibly wondering what’s happening on this side of the wager.
Will Billy escape from the abandoned mineshaft?
Will Susan discover that Jake is her brother?
Will anyone work out what that smell coming from the patio is?
There have been on quite a number of adventures, mishaps and ensuing hilarity but that’s not what you want to know, is it? Well most of it has been pretty awesome (even though it revolves around a girl, who’d a thought, eh?) but some of it has been really hard to write about, which is why I was dodging it for so long.
When this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you’re gonna see some serious shit
Let me take you back in time 9 months…
<flashback>Toast and I were living together in the 4 Xbox household. For reasons that I won’t go into we were faced with a deadline of either moving out in 4 months or buying the house we were living in. With the opportunity to expand the technological empire further we decided to go for it. In retrospect I can see how limiting this would have been on our developing relationships, but when man is blinded by the idea of a robot man servant, or even a robot DINOSAUR servant, it’s easy to get carried away.
This is the first time I had tried to buy a house and it turns out that it’s quite expensive. We spent about 4 months weighing up the pros and cons of Ponzi schemes, life insurance scams and train robberies (although I’m not sure that 13 boxes of Doritos, enough chocolate and fizzy pop to bring on instant diabetes and a train conductor’s hat would have helped us buy a house). Then our deadline was pretty much up.
This is when things got tricky. Toast finally realised that this was out of his reach and decided to make the big move in with TP. This is a pretty pragmatic and sensible decision and is probably what we should have been discussing earlier, however it came totally of the blue and the following day I found myself the sole occupant of the house.
It was a bit of a shock. I was reeling and wasn’t really sure what my next steps were.
With the previous prospect of becoming an eligible home-owner, I had obviously spent time musing about when Jen and I might move in together. In my head, her and TP would eventually move in and sitcom style hilarity would ensue. No… I hadn’t really thought it through. We probably needed at least one ferret and a drag queen to make it sitcom material.
Jen and I hadn’t actually talked about living together at that point. She was living in a shared house with two friends and her contract wasn’t due up until October. I knew that I’d love to live with her properly and we both thought it would be great, although October was a long time to be in limbo before we could find our own place to rent. It was time for some a serious huddle to talk strategy. Jen’s housemates were very understanding and were happy to let me stay for a while to give me a chance to find my feet again.
After a bit of heart-to-heart Jen and I came up with our ultimate plan: WE would buy the house, like motherfucking GROWN UPS!
There are some exciting decisions in life where you get to make grand gestures, big announcements and celebrate decisions by denting the kitchen ceiling with a poorly extracted champagne cork. Unfortunately, when the decision is forced prematurely due to circumstance it kind of takes the shine off the glory.
This is something that we both wanted to do and agreed that we would have been considering moving in together around October anyway but we’d had no time to even get used to the idea before we needed to make a massive grown up decision. It was definitely a much better plan than Toast and I buying together but we would have much preferred to have some time to talk about it, get excited and make the decision ourselves. There wasn’t any time for celebration as we were instantly thrust into the stressful logistics and finances.</flashback>
This is a lot to fit in to one post so I’ve had to skim most of the detail but I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about this decision. It was big and scary but we both really wanted it and were really excited. Having a deadline isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The whole point of this wager was to make Toast and I get off our posteriors and get us some o’ them there WIVES! Without that to motivate me I wouldn’t have learned so much about myself over the last couple of years, had such memorable experiences or met Jen.
DECORATE ALL THE THINGS!!!!
We’ve now been ‘officially’ living together for 6 weeks and it’s amazing. It feels like it’s been months. We’ve got some formidable relationship tests ahead of us including IKEA (the bane of lesser couples) and some mega decorating. Seriously, EVERY wall, ceiling and floor needs to be decorated but I know that we’re gonna lay a tag-team SMACKDOWN on that motherfuckin’ woodchip wallpaper like the Partners in Crime that are!
All our monies are now being poured into this project, which means that grand expensive life events (like expensive jewellery or parties where you dress up in pretty dress and 3 piece suit and get all your relatives and friends together to get drunk and dance to the Grease Megamix) are now FIRMLY off the cards for the foreseeable future.
However, this is the WED or Dead wager, not the ENGAGED or Dead wager.
In an unrelated conversation a friend mentioned that they had heard that Vegas do weddings with pretty much no notice. There’s no reason I mention that, I’m just saying in case someone else might feel like a Star Wars themed wedding but couldn’t wait for a Death Star wedding cake commission to be ready.
That’s the only reason.
Right, next important issue: does anyone know how to remove horrendous ‘70s gas fireplaces without a canary and armed with only a hammer and a roll of gaffer tape??
Jen has just informed me that it is one year ago today we had arranged our first date and were just riding out the time before we could actually meet, as it would be several weeks of waiting.
The interim time can feel a bit like meeting an old friend in the supermarket, having a big catchup then saying goodbye, only to keep awkwardly bumping into them the rest of the time and sheepishly smiling. In dating you can only do so much preamble before you need to meet or you learn so much that you have no starter conversation for the first date.
To kill this awkward phase,she decided that it was best if we were friends on Facebook first. Normally I would have sheid away from this but I liked her ballsy attitude so much that I acquiesced. Obviously this was a ploy on her part to do some prime stalking before we met. Something she’s very good at, as I’ve learned since when she discovered this wager before I told her about it.
In retrospect it’s probably very good that she is a skilled stalker as it saved the peril of breaking difficult news to her when it came to outing myself.
I have to say that I’m really pleased that she’s good at reminding me of important relationship dates as I am so bad at remembering. It’s a bit like having a sexy diary, albeit one who is really good at amateur detective work. Maybe I should buy her a deerstalker and a pipe, that’s a classic look for ladies, right?
Many months ago a new computer game came out, called Dead Island. It’s a game where you are a person in the middle of a zombie apocalypse on a lovely tropical island.
You control your person as you struggle to survive against zombies using only the weapons you can find lying around. This means you spend a lot of time hitting zombies with planks or golf clubs.
When the game was announced we (Biscuit, TP, Jen and I) noticed it had four player co-op mode so we could all play together as zombie apocalypse survivors It was aces, and we learned a bit about how we’d act if there was a zombie apocalypse.
Biscuit would spend a lot of time fiddling with weapons, TP would find all the best stuff, I’d spend most of the time driving and Jen would keep running off on her own and getting killed.
The real challenge
A few weeks later I found out about 2.8 hours later. A zombie event being run in London where people would pay to have a zombie adventure as if there had been a real zombie apocalypse. This was too much to resist so we immediately signed up and then got over excited by the prospect of having an apocalypse. Biscuit bought an army uniform and The Theatre Producer even wore trousers.
It was a cool evening when we turned up to be chased by zombies. There was a massive queue to check in and then we were released in groups with specific instructions about no using weapons or touching people and don’t run into traffic. The last point was made a few times.
Vibrating with excitement we went to out first meeting point. A lady with long hair told us ‘it was all going bad’ and that she thought she saw some survivors go to grid reference G11.
The race to survive begins!
What followed was a series of bizarre encounters. We’d meet some some strange person they’d do some acting and tell us where to go next. In between these sequences we’d be chased around the streets of London by zombies. The fast running sort.
Most of them were dressed as doctors, I don’t know why, but they were SCARY. The only thing that made it slightly less scary was random Londoners just standing around looking confused.
One of the best bits was when we had to work our way up an empty car park with zombies chasing us. We had to run to the top of the car park to meet a lady. A car park with packs of zombies running around.
Once we were at the top the lady said she’d only help us if we’d get her some sweets, special sweets that were on the other side of the car park. This caused more zombie dodging and two of our group got eaten.
Surviving is tough
The encounters got more and more tense, in one bit we were trapped in a room with a mad person waving a knife while zombies came out of everywhere, another bit involved a very persistent zombie who chased T.P about half a mile before giving up.
We got chased out of pubs, lurched after by zombie brides and even ran away from a priest. He was going to turn into a zombie so it was okay.
Then there was the final challenge. We needed the location for the final safe zone. A professor had it, but he was surrounded by loads of zombies. Not just any zombies, these were the fastest ones we’d encountered so far and they used tactics. We had a couple of goes at trying to rush past them, but they were too cunning.
One man tried to hide under a car from them but they got him anyway. Then when the zombies were sort of distracted Biscuit made a run for it. He got past one, then another, then a third. He was weaving in and our of cars like a blur. He was going to do it!
Then a zombie appeared from no-where and got him.
We watched as they ate his face off until he was a dead.
It was sad.
Much later at the ‘Zombie Disco’ Biscuit reappeared as a zombie, he seemed quite pleased about the whole thing and Jen didn’t mind and gave him a kiss. We all got quite drunk and then went home.
It was a nice day out.
Silly spontaneous presents are brilliant, whoever they come from. Unless the present is a secret scorpion in your pants drawer or a restraining order.
A great thing about relationships is that you have someone to get silly presents for all the time. They don’t have to be deep and meaningful or expensive to be a good present. They just have to make you grin or cry (in a good way, like when you get a new best gun in Borderlands).
The cool thing about them is that the better you get to know someone, the more the presents relate to a personal joy, secret pleasure or just appease the 5 year old inside.
I recently bought Jen a Lego minifigure. It was sealed in a pack so I didn’t know what I was buying and was in pieces so you couldn’t even stand at the display squishing all the packets to guess what it was. I remembered that I had it in my pocket when we were on the tube so gave it to her.
Disproportionate glee isn’t the phrase to use here! It made me think that I should get her a Lego engagement ring, one with one of those little transparent square one-block micro bricks as a diamond. It would be a lot cheaper but I’m not sure if that’s the sort of area where girls appreciate a quirky gift.
It’s fair to say that she got her money’s worth out of it.
After taking about 3 minutes to open the packet, she then spent about 5 minutes assembling the 6 pieces. Some of this seemed to involve throwing bits of the man on the floor. The figure was one of those soldiers with the massive bearskin hat that guards the queen. The kind that tourists try to get to move.
Eventually, after some gentle coaching on how to fix the gun into both his hands simultaneously the piece was finished and later took pride of place on the bedside table.
Because Jen is awesome, I picked her up yesterday and she said “do you want your present now?”. As I didn’t know there was even a present to be had I said “YES!” through the gritted teeth of excitement, closed my eyes and held out my hands.
On opening I discovered in my hand a packet of mother-loving Star Wars lego!!! YES!
I wanted to play with it then but didn’t think that I had time to put the spaceship together. Jen did say that it wouldn’t take long but I pointed out that a single figure had kept her occupied for about 10 minutes.
In conclusion, Lego is amazing. Girls who buy me Lego are amazing. Girlfriends who buy me surprise Lego are the best girlfriends of all.
Do you reckon that anyone has ever had a Lego themed wedding before?
I’ve been dating the Theater Producer for over four months now. Yes proper dating, from when I asked her out after Epic Date #1. She thought we were dating before then but that would be a mistake like thinking the Earth was flat or that Indiana Jones IV was any good.
No really, I’m that bad at keeping relationships going. I don’t really do pets either. I’m so bad at relationships I think I qualify for disabled parking.
We haven’t really argued in all that time, although we will never agree over if the Y axis on a controller should be inverted or not – It’s a nerd thing to do with computer games, all you need to know is inverting is WRONG.
Here are some other unexpected benefits of being in a long term* relationship:
- They know how you like your coffee and you know how they like yours.
- You can force them to read books you like.
- Sometimes they buy you chocolates.
- They know to act impressed when you show them a picture of a dinosaur you made at work.
- Cheese toasties may be made for you unexpectedly.
- You have to pick up a lot of spiders and put them outside, even if you are just about to fall asleep.
- You may get into a slightly competitive game of ‘who can give their girlfriend the best gifts for no reason’ with your friend.
- Watching DVD Box sets takes ages because you aren’t allowed to watch the next one until they are around.
- If you give them a draw they will slowly take over your room.
- Apparently it’s never the right time to scribble on your girlfriend’s face when she is sleeping.
*By my standards which puts me at about the same level as mayfly or the half life of Seaborgium.