Pork scratchings, balloons and The Virginian

Toast

The previous date with The Virginian hadn’t gone brilliantly. There had been good moments but the whole affair had been slightly awkward. Not chew-your-own-tongue-bad just not as easy as it could have been.

However, she was new in town so she didn’t know many people, and since she had made me laugh I had invited her out on Saturday with Biscuit and I.

This is how I expected the evening to go

Imagined evening
We would have met up in a pub, had a slightly awkward hello and one drink. With that out-of-the-way we would have hopped onto the tube down to South London to a rock club. Biscuit had organised the trip to the venue to see some band he liked.

Since Biscuit loved the band he would have hit the mosh-pit and gone a bit mad, only appearing occasionally to drink booze and enthuse about how great the band were. The Virginian and I would prop up the bar and get steadily drunk while making cutting remarks about other people there.

At some point we would have had enough of the music (the club closed at 6am) and either leave without Biscuit or drag him away. There would the offer of some late night food and then we would part company. I would see the Virginian perhaps a couple of times, maybe as a plus one at a gallery launch but that was it.

Oh how wrong I was

What actually happened
Biscuit and I arrived at the pub a bit late. the Virginian was waiting with a drink. She was wearing a brilliant ensemble of a light leather jacket with coordinated handbag and lady-brogues. This was combined with a purple top and slightly faded jeans. Very rock chic.

She was pleased to see us and introductions were made. Biscuit and the Virginian hit it off, and almost immediately started mocking each other. There was a lot of mockery, and laughter. The whole thing was far more relaxed than the first date and so time flew by.

The first event of the evening involved pork scratchings. the Virginian had never tried them so Biscuit got a bowl and we forced her to eat one. I filmed it on my iPhone. Even it HD it’s hard to get across the full look of horror on the Virginian’s face.

This caused a wave of laughter, Biscuit and I were howling with mirth. So much so that a nearby table of visiting Slovakians asked what we were eating.

We shared the pork scratchings with them which caused a mixture of disgust and delight and they became our new friends.

To make up for the pork scratchings I bought a round of Guinness and then demonstrated how to down one.

The Virginian had previously said that she could handle her drink and that she would easily drink me under the table. I downed the pint in about seven seconds, this was also caught on video.

I think this was the point at which the evening turned silly.

Biscuit started making balloon animals and giving them to nearby tables. Or to put it more accurately nearby tables, full of people from a wide range of European countries, were demanding he made them animals. Or rude hats. The hats were VERY rude.

The Virginian grabbed my thigh under the table. I said ‘blimey’ and nearly choked on my pint.

We looked at each other, I raised my eyebrow in query.

Biscuit handed out another balloon animal to a waiting person.

The Virginian squeezed my leg again and smiled.

I did the only acceptable thing and squeezed her leg back.

Biscuit put an X-rated balloon hat on the head of nearby man.

Some more time passed. We had made life-long friends with the French couple on the next table and were even speaking bad school-boy French at them while Biscuit showed the man how to make a giraffe.

The Virginian leaned over and whispered in my ear ‘You should come home with me’

‘Okay’ I replied.

More time passed, there were more drinks and giggling and friends made with a couple of chaps from Finland.

Ding ding!

It was last orders, in a daze I stumbled out of the bar with the Virginian and said goodbye to Biscuit. We took the tube back to her house. On the escalators she kissed me a few times and then complimented me on my lips.

We arrived at her room in the student halls. There wasn’t a lot of talking and we ended up in bed. I’m sure you can imagine what happened next.

It’s the bit after that shocked me.

At first she asked me if I would rather stay or leave. I said stay. It was late, I was drunk and she was good company.

Then after a little bit she said ‘This isn’t working out for me. Would you mind if you left?’

I said ‘No of course not’. I did mind a bit, but I am British and so raised to be polite.

I pulled on my clothes. She got out of bed to say goodbye and fell over. We were both quite drunk. We said goodbye.  I stumbled out into the night and found a mini-cab company. The tubes were all closed.

As I waited for the mini-cab I realised not a lot of time had passed. As in, I hadn’t been at the Virginians place very long. It had been a flying visit.

In the cab on the way back I couldn’t decide if I felt used in a good way or a bad way.

Biscuit was still awake when I got back to his place and we ate hash browns and tried to work out if I’d be used. The jury is still out now

Marriage percentage: 30%
The Virginian gained a load of points by being far more amusing and eating things we gave her. However the whole late-night mini-cab ride cost her a lot of points too.

Lessons learned:

• Sometimes people can be way more fun on a second date
• The pub on the corner of Oxford Street is great for meeting people randomly
• Everyone in Europe loves a good balloon animal
• If a girls squeezes your leg she probably wants something.
• The ‘Cab ride of pride’ can often be very confusing.