London part 1 – Cor’ blimey
If there is one lesson I never fail to learn, it is that plan and booze don’t mix. The plan was to travel to London and squeeze a load of dates into one weekend in a terribly efficient way. I would swoop in on the train, see a plethora of exciting women and then return back to the wilderness to plot my next move. This would have worked if I hadn’t been drinking, if I’d stuck to the plan and I was someone else.
I’m not, and I am a spaz.
I arrived late, because of train-related berkitude (Adj. To display the attributes of a berk) and so only had time to briefly say hello to Biscuit, hand over a bag and then jump on to the tube to see Spain. Yes instead of going on dates I was meeting up with girls who don’t fancy me and who are in relationships. See previous statement about being a spaz.
It was an excellent non-date. I ate noodles, she had a soup thing and we both drank slightly too much wine. She talked about her new chap (Who I suspect is in a relationship with someone else because he was acting all weird, but how to do you bring this up?) and I showed her some impressively mad text messages I’d been sent by an Ex. Then we ambled over to a bar to meet some friends. Yes more not dating for me.
Chums were in excellent form and it was great catching up with them. Spain met them all, had one quick drink and then disappeared into the night – she was a bit broken. Before she left Tate turned up (I had mentioned I was out if she fancied a drink) so I had managed to go on two non-dates with girls who don’t fancy me. That’s got to be worth a sort of multi-spaz bonus score.
Anyway the two objects of my unrequited love met briefly which was sexy and troubling at the same time. Tate was introduced to the chums as well and then we set about getting extremely drunk and laughing. One of my chums thought that Tate was flirting with me, I said this was nonsense because we were definitely just friends. More drinking occurred. Biscuit appeared after his date (see one of us managed it) and we started buying stupid rounds of novelty drinks.
Through the fug of booze I can remember talking some nonsense to Tate and our faces being really close. This happened a few times and then we started kissing. I was utterly baffled by this, I’d be less surprised if Biscuit had started kissing me. Tate said I tasted of beer and I said she tasted of unicorns. This bit still feels a bit unreal, like if someone said they once ate a dragon.
The bar closed at this point and we started to make our way home. For some reason outside the bar we had brief Mary Poppins inspired heel clicking contest that caused me to smash-up my Iphone (I think I won though) before stumbling back to the hostel.
It looked like a short distance on the map but it was long enough to make my feet bleed. Yes bleed. My new shoes were very pretty and had got many admiring comments but they had destroyed my feet. When we arrived at the hostel Biscuit made me drink more cocktails and eventually I fell into bed utterly ruined and still not quite believing what had happened.
It definitely did happen though because Biscuit saw it.