Home > History > Baffled by woman #1

Baffled by woman #1


There are lots of things I don’t understand about women. Why they like Grey’s Anatomy, their strange attraction to horses and how they can’t understand how excellent robots are.

Of course all of these are lazy stereotypes but then I’m a  man, it’s what we do.

One of the most baffling behaviours is what ex-girlfriends do after you’ve broken up with them. I’m talking about the highly-strung ex-girlfriends that Biscuit and I have recent experience of.

You know the ones where a relationship doesn’t just end it’s a carefully orchestrated crash over a series of months that somehow makes it all your fault. A *ahem* fairly recent ex decided to snog (trans: French Kiss) some other men while I was away on a work thing but somehow that was my fault.

Anyway, so these women not destroy you but try to unravel you, it’s as if just breaking up with you isn’t enough they want to you to suffer. After a while you finally come to your senses and realise that they were being horrible all along and you want nothing more to do with them in that way.

This could be considered an epiphany but mostly you are just annoyed with yourself for being a spaz.

It’s at this point they seem desperate want to get back together with you. I’ve been getting a fairly constant stream of text messages from the ex over the last nine months including two very awkward evenings where she tried to seduce me and failed. Note to self: don’t meet her for coffee anymore.

To add to the fun she has a boyfriend now, so while she didn’t actually cheat on him with me, she tried very hard. Top marks for effort!

The weirdest thing about this whole behaviour is how the women involved seem completely unable to understand why you wouldn’t want to get back together with them. Biscuit’s ex was even talking about getting a house with him. She even seemed really offended when he wasn’t exactly pro the idea.

It would be very useful if there was a way of detecting these women early on so you could feign death, or membership to the French Foreign Legion to avoid them. There isn’t so instead I’ve installed a system. I’m not allowed to be in an official relationship anyone until they have been vetted by my female chums. 

I’ll let you know if this works, until then I’ll go back to drawing pictures of robots.

  1. Jew Hair
    February 16, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    About bloody time too. Jaysus. And a caveat, don’t get your female friends to vet people when they’re sloshingly full of whiskey and have just come off stage because their powers of deduction may be ever so slightly flawed.

    • February 16, 2010 at 8:25 pm

      Now this begs the question… what might his female friends be doing on stage?!
      Actually… scrap that. I rather enjoy the ambiguity. :)

    • Toast
      February 16, 2010 at 8:37 pm

      Jew Hair – Yes, perhaps bars are not the best venues for these sorts of tests.

  2. February 17, 2010 at 7:53 pm

    I am a female and I do like Grey’s Anatomy, but not attracted to horses and I love robots. So I’m slightly stereo-typical. Females are a strange lot, as are men. After a break-up, and time passes, we tend to forget why it all went downhill to begin with. I can’t speak for everyone but sometimes people want what they can’t or no longer ‘have’. Or they are bored or not happy with the new change (boyfriend) and fall back on what they know (the ex). It’s not necessary a ‘type’ of female that does this. Breaking up is a sick and twisted process. It would be so much simpler if it was like getting fired. Here’s your termination papers…buh bye. If only.

    • February 17, 2010 at 11:28 pm

      What about a robot horse? Although I’ve not seen Grey’s Anatomy, I would DEFINITELY watch it if it had a robot horse in it.

    • February 17, 2010 at 11:33 pm

      Oh, yea… and the serious point:

      Seizing on your suggestion, perhaps we could campaign for some sort of relationship P45. Then your newly declared ex could leave fish paste behind the radiators or staple a dead mouse under your desk on her last day, just like getting fired from a real job.

      Edit: It has just occurred to me that international readers will have NO idea what a P45 is!
      From wiki: In the United Kingdom, and the Republic of Ireland, P45 is the reference code of a form titled Details of employee leaving work. The term is used in British slang as a metonym for termination of employment. The equivalent in the United States is a pink slip.

  3. February 18, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    Gilbertmusin – But why? Why do you like it? I have to admit if there were robot horses in it I’d watch it too.

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