Baffled by woman #1
There are lots of things I don’t understand about women. Why they like Grey’s Anatomy, their strange attraction to horses and how they can’t understand how excellent robots are.
Of course all of these are lazy stereotypes but then I’m a man, it’s what we do.
One of the most baffling behaviours is what ex-girlfriends do after you’ve broken up with them. I’m talking about the highly-strung ex-girlfriends that Biscuit and I have recent experience of.
You know the ones where a relationship doesn’t just end it’s a carefully orchestrated crash over a series of months that somehow makes it all your fault. A *ahem* fairly recent ex decided to snog (trans: French Kiss) some other men while I was away on a work thing but somehow that was my fault.
Anyway, so these women not destroy you but try to unravel you, it’s as if just breaking up with you isn’t enough they want to you to suffer. After a while you finally come to your senses and realise that they were being horrible all along and you want nothing more to do with them in that way.
This could be considered an epiphany but mostly you are just annoyed with yourself for being a spaz.
It’s at this point they seem desperate want to get back together with you. I’ve been getting a fairly constant stream of text messages from the ex over the last nine months including two very awkward evenings where she tried to seduce me and failed. Note to self: don’t meet her for coffee anymore.
To add to the fun she has a boyfriend now, so while she didn’t actually cheat on him with me, she tried very hard. Top marks for effort!
The weirdest thing about this whole behaviour is how the women involved seem completely unable to understand why you wouldn’t want to get back together with them. Biscuit’s ex was even talking about getting a house with him. She even seemed really offended when he wasn’t exactly pro the idea.
It would be very useful if there was a way of detecting these women early on so you could feign death, or membership to the French Foreign Legion to avoid them. There isn’t so instead I’ve installed a system. I’m not allowed to be in an official relationship anyone until they have been vetted by my female chums.
I’ll let you know if this works, until then I’ll go back to drawing pictures of robots.