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Cola Lollies


On paper I should be really good at ball sports. I am tall, fit, athletic, can run fast, am nimble on my feet and can juggle (and do a variety of other similar skills requiring feats of coordination) pretty damn well. However I am rubbish at football. As in: always second last picked at school. I can’t coordinate my body to manipulate a football in any meaningful manner besides occasionally accidentally connecting with it and HOOFING it off the pitch.

On paper Cola Lollies should pretty much be my perfect girl. Paper, however, is a misleading resource. It is perhaps the Wikipedia of judgement making tools. It gives you a bloody good idea about something but sometimes completely misses the point.

Cola Lollies is the friend of a friend who I met at a party several years back. She is VERY pretty and I was interested but had no idea how to progress that beyond being a bit starey and attempting to develop my powers of psychic persuasion from afar. The night ended up with me swapping clothes with a girl at the party and waddling round with her skirt worn round my neck, like some kind of transvestite dwarf. Also, girls pants are way too small to contain testicles, as the photo of Cola Lollies’ horrified face will testify. This was apparently a BAD technique to pull girls.

Anyway, jump forward a few years to last August when I saw her again at the same friend’s party. It was this point when I was at the peak of my new found cocksure attitude.  We spoke a bit, I was slightly flirty but in a thoroughly ‘I couldn’t care either way’ way and that was it for the evening.

After that she was suddenly rather keen (despite the ‘testicle’ episode mentioned above), came to visit on the bank holiday Friday and didn’t leave until the Monday! At the time she was interested in more than just a casual liaison but my head was in no place to deal with anything meaningful (post-Cupcake).

So, 10 months on and we get together again. I’m prepared to give it a real go and see if I feel more now that my head’s clear of Cupcake related nonsense).

As mentioned, Cola Lollies is VERY pretty, very fit and toned (singer/dancer type), great sense of humour, LOVES to eat food, enjoys ‘boy’ movies (ones with robots and explosions), great taste in music. All we’re really missing is the artificially coloured bright hair.

We had a great time, ate silly Mexican food served with meat and chocolate, ate cake, wandered round, chatted, giggled and enjoyed general shenanigans. I don’t have to put up a front; I can be the massive spaz I am. And yet, something is just not there… and I don’t know why. Call it chemistry, call it spark, call it the look that makes you melt into their gaze and want to cradle their face into your hands… it’s just not there.

On paper she should be at least 50% marriage potential. I really enjoy hanging out, cuddling up, giggling and watching trash telly with her. I didn’t even really want to do rude stuff when I stayed over, although I WANTED to want to.

I think the word for it is ‘friend’.

I would like to see her again, but if she feels anything more for me then it’s unfair not to be explicit about this as I don’t think it’s going to change. Mind you, this is largely academic as she is off to work in China for 6 months.

Marriage percentage, sadly: 15%

Just goes to show that the ‘list’ of things you think you want counts for nothing and that you really, really can’t tell who will make your stomach leap into your throat with a glance, a wry smile or a love of robots with really big lasers.

  1. June 29, 2010 at 11:30 pm

    Thank goodness. Have been trying to convince Max’s best male friend of exactly that for years. If Max and I had considered all the stuff you younger guys take into account and weigh up, we’d never have married. Check boxes ticked no substitute for “that thing.” Keep going……I recommend waiting until mad lust coincides with total contentment.

    • June 29, 2010 at 11:35 pm

      Molly Bennett :

      Check boxes ticked no substitute for “that thing.” Keep going……I recommend waiting until mad lust coincides with total contentment.

      Ooh, good advice… how long does that take? *gets out paper to construct check-list* ;)

  2. July 1, 2010 at 10:54 pm

    Not THE girl. Good times, though! That is always a plus, good to see you made some time for your “fans” ;)

    • July 2, 2010 at 9:53 pm

      Well, I try! *signs photograph*

  3. July 6, 2010 at 9:30 pm

    Ah, the fateful list. I had one of those until the last boyfriend, “Jazz Guy”, and things just didn’t add up in the chemistry department. Then realized that the “on paper” attributes didn’t really mean jack compared to other, more important attributes. (same goals, etc.) You’re getting there, Biscuit.

    • July 8, 2010 at 11:38 pm

      But it seems SUCH a good basis to start from. I know other stuff is important, but are you likely to go anywhere if someone is SO far off your radar that they;re not ticking the basics of what you think you’re looking for?

      I know now that it’s fundamentally flawed but I need SOME way of narrowing down to the likely spouses. Hmm… and not I need to add ‘goals’ to the list too.

      I’m not sure now whether this whole experience has helped or just confused me further.

  4. July 9, 2010 at 10:09 am

    Honestly Biscuit, as much as I do find you adorable, I’m not sure “brightly colored hair and interest in robots” are specific attributes that qualify a spouse. I realize you are drawn to girls of a specific type, which is fine, and of course you want them to share some of your interests. Narrowing, or maybe just refining, your actual desires in a mate might be a good place to start. Travel? Music? Adventurous? Social? Gamer? Physical attraction? I don’t know……

  5. July 9, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    Exactly! I’m with Wicked Shawn. My “list” was originally very specific- “Music or English Major, College Degree, blah blah…” until I realized that those people were ego-maniacs and drove me nuts. When broadened- “People that Appreciate Music, Are equal parts homebody/social, definitely wants marriage/kids” (you wouldn’t believe how many people say they’re ‘not sure’ if they want to go that way), it was easier to get picky.

    I wouldn’t say that you should go for the opposite of what you want- physical chemistry IS a big factor. You’re right to start with goals, lifestyle, interests, and then go from there.

    Hair can always be dyed. ;)

  6. July 12, 2010 at 7:29 am

    Hmm, okay, this is clearly something I need to explore in more detail n a post allby itself. Thanks Shawn and Darcy. I think I’m gonna need some help putting together a list to guide me in my future search.

    Not a ‘LIST’ list, mind. But a ‘goals, lifestyle, interests’ type list so I hopefully don’t follow any dead ends early on.

  7. July 12, 2010 at 6:59 pm

    Wicked Shawn :

    Honestly Biscuit, as much as I do find you adorable…

    This also make me smile as I am clearly the favourite child.
    *shoots sideways triumphant glare at Toast*

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