Home > Adventures in Dating > A complicated question to do with relationships

A complicated question to do with relationships


This is going to be the post that switches the blog from an amusing story we might joke about to friends into something I can never show the Fez. 

Take a deep breath. Here we go.

We’ve been in a relationship for couple of months now, we have issues and it’s in the bedroom. We get on great  and she is easy to spend time with but things  involving nudity are less easy.

The Fez is very shy. She is a bit younger than me, and in my limited experience, body confidence comes a bit later in life for most women.  I understand it can be a bit scary to be naked in front of someone especially for the first time.

But if there is one message I can get through to the women of the world is that all men are thrilled to see you naked. Really thrilled, delighted, amazed. They could spend whole hours just looking at you. Just by appearing naked you have made their day, week, month and possibly year. We all love the way women are shaped, it’s hardcoded into our brains.

The Fez is getting less shy around me, which is good. I’m constantly complimenting her amazing figure so she is getting a little bit more relaxed. She still turns around to remove a bra or tells me off if I look at her in the nano seconds as she dives under the covers but even that is an improvement.

The slightly more tricky issue is to do with sex. I’m very open-minded, I’ve worked for women’s magazines. I’ve had very frank conversations about sex with female chums over lunch that have caused nearby diners to choke on Matzo balls. There isn’t much that shocks me. The Fez has said she is a bit intimidated by that.

The problem is that so many things are now forbidden. Kissing may only happen on the face or upper body. Even attempting to go down stairs will result in an order to stop and a telling off with ‘that is disgusting’.  I’m trying to be coy, but basically oral sex is off the menu, as is anything else apart from straight missionary in a bed. Rarely there may be a position swap but only on special occasions.

It’s stressing me out a bit and affecting other parts of our relationship. The thing is, a healthy sex life is important, especially when you are trying to choose someone to spend the rest of your life with. I understand that this period in a relationship is about learning about the person and things but I’ve never been out with someone before where so many things are just not allowed.

It’s not nice when you suggest something which previous experience is perfectly reasonable (and actually a very nice thing to do for someone) and you get a bit told off so you feel like a deviant, and not in a sexy way.

I’ve spoken to Biscuit about this and he thinks I should ask the Internets. So what do you think?

  1. K
    July 4, 2010 at 4:03 pm

    Oh, that’s not good. It’s nice to think that women mature into their bodies, but many women never do. I know people who still rush up in the morning to fix their hair and make-up so their partner never sees them ‘undone’.

    Sex is a very important part to relationships. As it’s only been a couple of months, it’s hard to say if you are at a stage where you can sit down and have a really serious conversation with her about this or not.

    On the one hand, I’d say it’s very important not to back down on this point. You aren’t a deviant, and you really shouldn’t sublimate your natural desires. I hate to be brutal, but this could be a deal breaker.

    On the other hand, maybe it isn’t a deal breaker, because on some level you have to decide how important this is to you in comparison to everything else. I have a male friend who is married with two lovely kids and a dog and has a miserable sex life. Maybe he’s not the happiest guy I know in this area, but he loves the rest of his life and loves his wife, it’s just a particular compromise that he made. Although, maybe he wasn’t too clear at the start just how important this actually was to him, he still isn’t cheating on her. More like… he accepts that he can’t have everything and yes it is a big deal, but one that he ruefully accepts.

    At any rate, only you can decide how important this issue is for you in the long term. But for heaven’s sake- be honest with her about it. You probably think you’re doing her a favor by not pressing her on it, but in my opinion, that’s not really fair to you or her. If you continue to back down, you could inadvertently be reinforcing her thinking.

    Tough call really. I don’t envy this particular situation at all.


  2. July 6, 2010 at 5:57 pm

    “It’s stressing me out a bit and affecting other parts of our relationship. The thing is, a healthy sex life is important, especially when you are trying to choose someone to spend the rest of your life with. ”

    Your own words answer your own question, my dearest Toast. As hard as it may be, you are going to have to have a very honest talk, outside the bedroom, with The Fez about these issues to get a better idea of whether she is ever going to be able open up to a wider variety of shenanigans. Some people are sexually exploratory by nature. Others are raised with a standard of such sexual repression that they will never overcome it, nor do they care to try. Best to figure this out early, then decide for yourself, “Am I capable of dealing with the possible implications?” Sorry love!

  3. July 6, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    Ouch, friend. I think that the most important thing is that both parties are on the same page in regards to sexuality(ie- if you’re ok with going ‘downstairs’, and she’s not). Having either party refer to something as “disgusting” is definitely hurtful. She may be able to overcome her limitations with consistent positive reinforcement from you, or she may not want to. That’s where it would become a dealbreaker. Good luck.

  4. July 13, 2010 at 6:07 am

    You are all right, of course. I had a long think about it and telephone conversations with female chums that were hours long. After that it seemed like there was more wrong with it than write.

    I felt harrassed when she called, and that’s never good.

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