Home > History > How to not find the perfect woman

How to not find the perfect woman


I’ve been thinking about my changing tastes in women. About ten years ago I wrote a list of what I want my dream woman to be like. It was long.

Can I recommend you never do this, ever, unless you want to spend the rest of your life lavishing attention on a pet.

No one will ever match up and you will have long angry conversations with your pet about how you can never meet someone who is more than an 70% match.

The list was fairly long and contained some very specific items, that seemed important at the time.

I can remember a few.

  • Must not like the cartoon strip ‘Peanuts’ – This one is almost worth keeping. I’ve never understood the appeal of this but some people adore it. Weirdos.
  • Must like olives – They are good, how can anyone sensible hate them?
  • Must posses good underwear – There is no excuse for this.
  • Not a fussy eater – I’m so bored of being around women who are weird about food.
  • Should be obsessed with at least one trashy book series and slightly shy about it – People who only read Chaucer need to relax.
  • Play a musical instrument well enough to teach me – Any musical instrument is fine.

And so on, the list got longer and longer until it was pages of requirements no one could possibly meet. And why should they meet them? It’s really selfish to make demands like this.

 I was talking to a girl a few days ago who said she could never date anyone who uses PCs instead of Apple macs. Really? Really? It’s just a computer.

These days I have three requirements

  • I have to fancy them
  • They have to be nice
  • They have to be interesting

And I’m now starting to wonder if that might be a bit too demanding.

  1. Dastardly Whiplash
    October 23, 2010 at 7:41 am

    Before i read this i had trouble getting dirt stains out of my shirt collars, now i no longer have that problem.

  2. fuckwittery
    October 23, 2010 at 10:20 am

    Peanuts: that’s a bit :( Snoopy clearly spent most of his time on drugs. What’s not to like?
    But to the actual point, wouldnae fret too much about it. Keep your ideal woman list for reference and then take note when you meet someone who leaves you not caring if she likes olives or not because she’s so goddamn fabularshe.

  3. October 23, 2010 at 11:12 am

    Max says all he cared about was that a woman made him laugh, was good in bed, and thought he was too. (Obviously all these things have ceased to be of consequence after fifteen million years of marriage, unfortunately!)

  4. Ms. L
    October 23, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    I went through a phase of dating so bad once that I made the following requirements:

    1) He may not use marijuana (or other substances) to excess
    2) He must not have a cat. (I’m deathly allergic.)
    3) He can’t have erectile dysfunction.

    After then having the unfortunate experience of attempting to sleep with four men, all who failed rule #3, I gave up and went for a guy who smoked weed upon waking and had a big fat cat. Sigh.

  5. October 23, 2010 at 8:24 pm

    I think the biggest thing is having any sort of list in your head – you immediately measure a person against that when you meet them, rather than getting to know them on their own terms. If you abandon the list, you’ll still be able to work out pretty quickly if you’re compatible or not, but it’ll be based more on the connection you have.

  6. October 25, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    I don’t know, I mean Peanuts was pretty pointless, which would indicate a seriously bizarre and highly suspect sense of humor. Plus, olives are delicious, how can you spend a lifetime with someone who won’t grab some olives and curl up with you while watching a movie? I say keep the list.

    It really won’t matter when you find the right person anyway. All the lists in the world fall aside when you truly fall in love. I promise!

  7. fuckwittery
    October 25, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    Wicked Shawn :
    I don’t know, I mean Peanuts was pretty pointless, which would indicate a seriously bizarre and highly suspect sense of humor.

    Oi!! :(

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