Home > Adventures in Dating > Turning the tables… and the graphs.

Turning the tables… and the graphs.


It is relatively easy to sit here and critique the marriage percentage of my dates without their knowledge or means of retort. That was, obviously, always the plan as no good can come at the end of a candlelit meal, or drunken cocktail session, of presenting a lady with a feedback form.

1) On a scale of 1-5, 1 being the worst and 5 the best, please rate the following;

  • personal grooming,
  • conversational ability,
  • attractiveness,
  • knowledge of robots,
  • je ne sais quoi.

2) What do you feel were be best and worst moments of the date?

3) Please provide a percentage, from 0-100, indicating how likely is that you will marry Biscuit.


However, an unplanned turn of events has put the shoe firmly on the other foot. In response to a recent request from commenter Jenny (doesn’t that sound like something from a dystopian ultra-socialist future… “You have been commended for your fortitude and child-bearing hips Commenter Jenny”), the lovely Ms Fuckwittery has provided me with an in depth graphical assessment of my own performance in the marriage percentage stakes.

You will be able to piece most of this together from recent posts on my dalliance with Ms FW, but I need to fill you in on some events that you don’t know about.

After she came round for crumpets we had three more engagements planned: Rebel Bingo and then two (one dub/reggae, one filthy electro rock, both highly enjoyable). This graph runs up to the first gig:

Click for full size

For clarity, I should explain 2 things:

  1. “failing to adequately dance to RATM (at Rebel Bingo) is a LIE. I was busy writing “c a r e b e a r” across my knuckles (this would make sense if you were there) and would have been ready in time if she hadn’t kept grabbing my arm!
  2. “WHORING” was entirely bad behaviour on my part for accidentally hitting on a girl in front of her. Bad Biscuit. In my defence, as soon as I realised I was doing it, I stopped.

This graph pretty much shows one thing very clearly: That it’s far too jagged to indicate long-term suitability for marriage!

I get on extremely well with Ms FW and enjoy spending time with her very much. I think I need a flatter curve from any potential spouses! After this graph was produced we agreed that it was the right thing to do to ‘just be friends’ (although Toast has bet me a Kinder Bueno that we will do something naughty by the end of next weekend).

There is, however, a second graph which is far more important:

I have learned two lessons from this whole experience:

  1. Meeting people from teh internets has so far been a 100% positive experience.
  2. Despite what others may say, people in London are very frendly, especialy if you are on the tube with scribbles all over your face.


  1. November 11, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    I am frightened…my love meter of you two prior to initial meeting is already so high, I fear Excel will break trying to reach appropriate After levels. :)

  2. November 11, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    :o If you come over you MUST. BRING. TWINKIES!!! I have never had them. Toast probably has though (smug git).

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