Home > Adventures in Dating > Why a chap should never get too mashed at his own house party

Why a chap should never get too mashed at his own house party


Regular readers may have noticed that Biscuit has developed some what of a habit.

 He kisses people. He kisses commentors, he kisses friends of mine and he kisses strangers.

He is a very kissy man. This is important to the story.

We had our house-warming at the weekend. It was a very intoxicating affair. We made space cakes. I’m not really cool enough to do that sort of thing regularly.

I think I’m still not into double figures for the amount of times I have eaten naughty space cakes.

I always have a great time but given that I’m now in my third decade I can’t really pretend to be hardcore.

I’d baked quite a lot of ‘special herbs’ into a series of slightly flat cupcakes for our guests to enjoy. We had no idea of what a suitable amount would be but probably a couple of cakes.

I didn’t stick to the recommended level. The spaz.

The whole day was spent frantically cleaning the house and  sorting things out for the party, and then we waited for the guests to arrive. I ate a cake. Then I decided to eat another cake, and another one, and another.

A few hours later was, well I wasn’t in full command of my mental abilities, but I was having a lovely time. In total I ate seven cakes.

An old female friend turned up and we chatted away in the kitchen. I’ve been out with her before and had a great time in a boozy way but I don’t really fancy her.

She had spent most of the night bumping into me and doing various other ‘subtle’ moves to indicate her interest – she had eaten a couple of cakes and drunk a few gin and tonics.

I wasn’t really that interested, she is lovely and all that but she is in the friend space of my mind.

Anyway, the bumping and practically sitting on my lap had got pretty bad. I was bouncing around the room trying to avoid it mostly. You know in a polite English way.

Biscuit appeared in the kitchen and then she started touching his hand and making eye movements that seemed to tell me to leave, so I left to leave them alone, because I could guess what was going to happen next. It’s what Biscuit does.

A minute or two later she reappeared, and sat on my lap and we ended up kissing.

I can remember my thoughts at the time  (I made a note of them on my iPhone in the loo) so here they are unabridged. I would like to preface them with the fact that I was very mashed, I have never been more mashed.

‘Only kissing her because I didn’t want Biscuit to kiss her because he always snogs all my friends. Snogging her was a bad idea.’

We ended up doing some more snogging in the back room, the whole time with ‘this is a really bad idea’ rushing through my head in the way that only stoned people can really understand.

At about 10pm I crashed out in bed utterly ruined but having a whale of a time rubbing my face on my bedspreads. She left a bit later, but I don’t remember her going because I was spending some time gaining a new understanding of Pink Floyd.

The next day I apologised to her and awkward conversation with a chum about my behavior, but it seems to be okay. I hope we can still be friends.

My conclusion? Winners don’t do drugs

  1. Fuckwittery
    November 10, 2010 at 7:49 pm

    I hoped you kissed each other :(

  2. Fuckwittery
    November 10, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    You and biskwit

  3. November 11, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    Oh Toast…….you just made my day! Whole day. Although, FW is right, the two of you kissing would have been truly amazeballs!!! I only wish for pictures of what sounds like a truly grand housewarming party.

  4. November 11, 2010 at 2:49 pm

    FuckWittery & Wicked Shawn – Biscuit did admit to me the next day that he was about to try and kiss her.

    Another well known male blogger emailed me to say he’d also been in the same situation.

    I still shouldn’t have done it though.

  5. November 11, 2010 at 5:48 pm

    What IS it with girls trying to get us to kiss each other??? We’re trying to get hitched… We’re not here for you to live out your homoerotic fantasies!
    *flounces off in a huff for a bath and a face pack to calm down*

  6. November 11, 2010 at 5:51 pm

    Are my ears burning, young Toast?

    Yes, although I was hundreds of miles from the housewarming party I did exactly the same thing. I was at a wedding out west and a good friend of mine had been hitting on me in the weeks running up to the big day – at first overtly and then rather aggressively.

    I spent the whole evening avoiding her advances and then I saw her getting involved with someone else in the dying hours of the party – a character even less savoury than myself – and thought “Oh god, I’m going to have to save her from that.” So I did.

    I wrote a note in my phone too reminding me of why I had decided to step in.

    I shouldn’t have done it either…

  7. fuckwittery
    November 11, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    It’s only a matter of time boys. Time and booze. I wager a whole pack of happy hippos.

    Toast – you kissed a girl. You were both mashed. There was never any question of badness happening. I don’t understand the problem. Does she love you? Are you catholic? Have you ever sieved baked beans?

  8. November 11, 2010 at 6:01 pm

    ACTUALLY dear Toast, as I have explained, I was trying to NOT kiss her as I would actually like to kiss her sister and previous experience has taught me that it is bad form to kiss one sister if you actually want to kiss the other.

  9. November 11, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    ..also I do not kiss EVERYONE. I didn’t kiss…

    ok, fair point.

    Hey, I like kissing!

  10. November 11, 2010 at 6:17 pm

    What I take from this post is that you were simply doing the world a public service. Biscuit has become quite the kissing menace.

    See above. ;)

    • November 11, 2010 at 6:31 pm

      WHATTT??? I’m not a menace!!! They like it.You can tell by the look in their little eyes, it’s almost like they understand.

      …oh no, wait, that’s Labradors.

  11. November 12, 2010 at 3:36 am

    So Toast and Scalene are kissing the girls to save them and Biscuit is kissing them because he has them confused with adorable puppy dogs. I love you guys!

  12. biscuitslawyer
    November 12, 2010 at 7:44 am

    Biscuit is unavailable to comment at this time and wishes it to be know that he did not have sexual relations with *that* puppy.

  1. November 27, 2010 at 10:37 am
  2. December 8, 2010 at 6:39 pm
  3. January 30, 2011 at 6:20 pm

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