Pictures of Girls in Pants
In what has become known in the house as ‘Tragic Monday’, both Toast and I were at home writing when we both should have been out on dates.
To be honest, I am not enormously surprised that mine has fallen through. When a girl is very full on before you have even met them it’s not a positive indicator for having a full set of mental crockery. Having said that, I was looking forward to the prospect… and yes it might have been something to do with because she had sent me modelling shots of her in underwear.
Let me explain…
A month ago a VERY hot girl contacted me on a dating website. In a non-modelled candid shot she exuded the kind of ‘trouble’ that Angelina Jolie did in her earlier days.
We didn’t get a chance to meet up as this was just before Hallowe’en and I was rather caught up with all the preparation, and then all the resulting shenanigans.
Last week I remembered about the lapsed contact and sent her my number in case she wanted to bypass email to communicate. Barely 1 minute later the following text conversation commenced:
Angelina [received 21:04]: Bypassed x
Biscuit: Goodlord you’re quick! ;) xx
A: The joy of an iPhone. I can’t escape the world.
B: Probably for the best, it’s taken over a month to get this far! Xx
A: Very, very true. You live [London location]? Right? XxX
B: Yep. Well remembered! Actually… I don’t remember saying that. Are you an extremely accomplished stalker? That would be rather exciting! Xx *peers nervously through curtains*
A: Sure am. I’ve spent the last month finding out every single detail about you……..
B: Look, that monkey was asking for it, ok? The little tease. Xx
A: But why did you do that to the cat? Bad boy xx
B: That sounds vaguely disciplinarian of you. I’m worried what you might be wielding now. Xx
A: Don’t open the curtains. You’ll get a nasty surprise ;) xxx
B: Good lord. The temptation! I don’t know if I would be more terrified or impressed!! Possibly equal measures ofboth, which is an intriguing proposition. Should I hide the bunny and the large cooking pot? …or break out the leather belts and restrain you?! Xx
A: Leather belts! Hahaha. XxX
B: You passed the test. You can totally come in. Must be freezing out there!! :o Xxm
A: Thanks very much. Glad I passed. I’ll knock on the door in five (i’d love it if someone did, now that would freak you out!) xxx
B: I would probably shout in great surprise!! …although would probably be rather disappointed with whoever else it was. Where are you stalking from? Xx
A: You’re a rubbish stalker. I live in [London location] xx
B: You SAY I’m rubbish but check where your dirty laundry has gone. ;) Xx
A: I hope your taken it away to be laundered as my washing machine is broken. I take it back, you’re brilliant! XxX
B: That WOULD explain why there were so many pants. Too many to carry in one trip. I’ll sneak in later. Like a pervy dry-cleaning Santa. Xx
A: I’m braving the outside for real now. xxx
B: Do I need to put the kettle on? Xx
A: Yes please milk no sugar xx
B: And a hairdryer to unstick your fingers from your icy iPhone? I’ll break out the sweeties and puppies for you too. Special treat. Xx
A: Yes! Minus 5 out there apparently? I have a puppy no need for extras, but the sweetie are appreciated xxx
B: Right, sweeties, tea and leather straps, sounds like a party!! What’s really driving you outside at this time of night then? Xx
A: I needed a can of orangina and a packet of smokes. How sad xxxx
B: Ah well, at least you look cool with them them eh? The smokes, not the orangina. That reminds me of France. Xx
A: I love orangina. What are you up to? Can I prise a photo from you? Xxx
B: Orangina is made of happy memories. :) I’m lamenting that I should be in bed but I’m actually shooting zombies. What kind of photo?! :o xx
A: One of you! It is! Reminds me of being a kid. You’re zombie obsessed! My attempts are no where near as good as yours xxx
B: Ha ha! Sure, although I haven’t shaved for 3 days due to not being able to get to the office so I’m looking a little Bear Grylls. Swap you for one braving the snow, or triumphant inside! Xx
A: I quite like bear grylls…….now I’m excited! XxX
A: [sends a photo of her Hallowe’en outfit]
A: [sends a photo of her with red hair smiling outside a pub] But I look more like this now
B: [took and sent a ‘MySpace’ style photo] I have JUST realised I have the zombie T-shirt I won for my Halloween effort. I would attempt to convince you it’s not an obsession, but I would clearly now fail. Xx
A: The rough look suits you. Very much. XxX
A: I think you’d like a zombie for a girlfriend x
B: LOVING your hair!! A zombie girlfriend would have her merits, no backchat, a bit bitey. I can’t help but think that the purification would stink the house out a bit though. Your halloween one is utterly terrifying! …in a hot way. Xx
A: Sometimes I look like this [sends a VERY hot picture of her in minimal underwear laid out on satin sheets]
B: *drops phone into tea in surprise* :o Cripes. Yea, that kinda works for you too. Blimes!! Do you look like that often? Xx
A: I’m glad I got the thumbs up so far. I like the cheeky glint in your eyes. Yeah, I’m a red head now. Want to go really, really red! That’s next week xxxx
B: I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that this is a good look for you. As would the uber red hair be. Do you have a problem tripping and falling onto sheets of red satin whilst in your underwear? You should see someone about that. Xx
[sent 23:03 – Conversation continues until 2 am]
I really needed to be in bed but this is the sort of thing that keep a chap up at night. *ahem*
In reciprocation I might have sent her a picture of me in my pants, but I would categorically like to state that I did not have my wink wonk out!!
So we set a date for 9 on Monday. She text me some more over the weekend and I sent some back but was away getting drunk with toast (that’s another story).
Come Monday I called to confirm again. No answer. Left a message. no reply.
Tragic, tragic Monday.
I would like to think that there is a lesson here, but I still have sexy pictures of a pretty girl who I don’t know and didn’t have to spend money on drinks or dinner. Considering she’s only seen me in my pants I think I win that one.
Marriage percentage 7%.
(winkle touching percentage 83%)