I have been a bad Biscuit. It’s been ages since I updated so in an attempt to bring myself up to date I am rolling everything up into a catchup post.
Partly this lateness is because my old laptop eventually gave up the ghost. Partly it’s because I’ve been constantly ill with monkey-AIDS for a bout two weeks now (culminating in me losing my voice on Christmas day). Partly it was all the distraction of Crimble but it’s also been because I have been very lazy. My wrists are slapped.
So here’s a quick summary of where all the loose threads are hanging.
Nothing more has happened with Lashes. After the ‘not date‘ drinking free booze nothing further has materialised. There was an event she was running that I could have gone to but
1) I was ill
2) I did not just want a repeat of the meeting where I turned up to the last event she ran and had a stag off.
After hearing from her mutual friend that she was pining after an inappropriate and was a bit of a heartbreaker I have decided to leave it. I think that she’s just not that into me and I really can’t be bothered to do any chasing if she’s not.
I had an impromptu ‘not date’ with Noir. I invited her to take up the spare ticket I had to a Frank Turner gig. I was in the initial throes of illness at that point and had to keep myself doped up to feel like going out.
I kind of feel that I’ve been slipping towards a friendship with Noir and I’ve been absolutely fine with that. I knew that she was seeing other people and that made me feel much better about being really flaky with meeting her. I’ve been mulling it over and came to the conclusion that if I enjoy her company but am not really excited about chatting and seeing her at this early stage then it’s fairer to let things follow the natural course and slide into friendship
Given this I was keen to have a nice time with her but did not want to end up doing a lot of kissing at the end as that would send the wrong signals. Thankfully the ills gave me a cracking excuse to warn her away from me as I am pretty gross at the moment!
We had a really nice time, drank some beer, sang along to songs and did not kiss. She said that it would be great to hook up as gig buddies and I’m absolutely fine with that. I’ve since heard that she is now seeing someone so that wraps everything up nicely and I have a new chum who is cool to hang around with.
Marriage percentage: 10%.
The kissy girl
Toast alluded to goings on when we were away catching up with old friends before Christmas. We know the old friends through a sort of sport that we used to do. This is the kind of sport that tends to attract a strange mix of people. Some of them are well rounded people and quite sound. Some of them are lacking in social skills.
It is not a sport that tends to attract pretty girls. As a consequence, any girls who are even vaguely pretty tend to clean up. It is a well known phenomenon that girls who would otherwise not be so popular in other walks of life tend to punch well above their weight due to the scarcity of eligible ladies.
The party involved lots of squishing round a packed pub whilst hugging people we had not seen in ages, exchanging tales, banter and poorly constructed witticisms.
Toast and I even tried a lady’s breast milk. She popped into the toilet to create a fresh batch for us and we both drank it. Toast did run off to check with her husband first but he was fine with it. In fact he even offered me some placenta as they had it in the freezer but I did not get a chance to take him up on the offer, sadly.
I only tell you this so that you can get an idea of how messy the night was!
Afterwards many of the people retired to someone’s hose and the drinking continued. Toast crashed out because he was utterly exhausted from his week of dating, partying and winning gorillas. I stayed up drinking.
There is a girl there who I sneakily did a sex on after Hallowe’en the year before. She’s pretty enough but I probably would not have done it if it had not been for the booze. That and the fact that she has massive norks and that is something of a weakness of mine, overriding my better judgement.
Anyway, we ended up sneaking off and kissing. This was entertaining covert kissing involving ‘follow me’ eye signals across a busy table because we were trying to stop anyone else noticing. She mentioned that another boy there had been trying really hard to kiss her too so she really needed saving, which I found amusing.
Eventually I crashed out at the end of a darkened room. Not long after that the girl came in and then the boy that she said had been trying to kiss her. I’m not sure if they knew I was there or awake or could see, but there was a bit of hugging and then some kissy noises.
Shortly after, one of the boys who lived in the house came to the door and did some very overt flirting. He was trying to get her to come and sleep in his bed as it would be more comfortable. She was resisting then suddenly followed him upstairs. I was fairly surprised at this but made a mental note not to kiss her again, even if she did have big norks.
The following morning as Toast and I were driving home, he said how the kissy girl had been very friendly with him in the pub and had been angling to kiss his face. Bashfully I unfurled the tale of the previous night. We both agreed that this kind of girl was definitely a bad girl for me to be kissing and this it was probably best that this tale did not reach our friends.
Kissing in Brighton
I went to Brighton to meet with a friend to go to a Gogol Bordello gig. We talked to a number of people at the gig as it was a very friendly crowd. Afterwards, as we were making our way home, we bumped into the main two girls we had been chatting to so stopped at the pub to join them for a drink. One drink turned into many, and some Jagerbombs. I discovered that I had almost the same job as one of the ladies so we yakked away about that for a while.
Eventually the pub was closing because it was a Sunday night so we got ready to leave. Whilst we waited for our respective chums to pick up their things we did kiss a bit.
From there we went to the only place we could find which was open, some grotty club playing bangin’ dance tunes, so stayed there drinking and dancing until tat closed about 2.30 A.M. We walked up to the taxi rank in our pairs, just behind each other. I stopped to kiss the girl a bit more. Then a bit more. Then we just stopped and fumbeld around like teenagers under the shadow of the sea wall.
After about 10 minutes my friend came back down to us as he had got rather bored of not being kissed by the other girl and so we I said my goodbyes and left.
The next morning I was SO tired and still drunk for most of the day that I could not drive to work until the afternoon. Oops.
The naughty girl
Just before Christmas I was contacted on a dating site by a girl who is EXACTLY my type. I will fill in more details later as I am rushing to finish this so I can go on a date with her. I showed her picture to Toast who recognised her as a girl who he used to work with who had just contacted him to say hi and catch up.
I wanted to write a full post about this in it’s own right but will have to fill you in after the date. We started texting before Christmas. We also stated chatting on the phone. We have been doing both of these a LOT. In fact we’ve spoken for about 6-7 hours and have burned our way through about 400 messages each.
The more we talked the more we both discovered we had in common, both in interests, tastes, sense of humour and sense of filth.
If I were to make a template of my ideal wife, she would fulfil it about 95%. She is also very naughty, in lots of different ways. However she is also naughty in the kind of way that involves sending risque picture messages. I generally need minimal encouragement to be naughty so this kind of girl is like a dangerous catalyst to me.. of the BEST kind. All this would be good adult fun between two people but… well… I’ll let Toast fill in the next part because I have to leave for my date.
As things stand, marriage percentage is a conservative 70%. I have NEVER been so excited about a date in my life. This is not just about the filth but about the filth but is EVERYTHING about her. Toast had better start getting his singing voice ready. I may be MASSIVELY jumping the gun but I would rather live a life of danger and excitement than one of cool calm reserve.