Home > Adventures in Dating > Dwarf porn, Lego and Little Miss Naughty

Dwarf porn, Lego and Little Miss Naughty

Biscuit

I was supposed to meet with The Naughty Girl for a date yesterday. In fact, we ended up meeting a day early because she blew off a party that she was supposed to be going to because it was a promising to be a bit lame and we had spent 5 days text messaging back and forth .Quite a few of the message had been a bit risque. Some had been downright rude. One of them was accidentally sent to Toast. It mentioned my winkle and it was not a message that either Toast wanted to receive or that I ever wanted him to see.

This kind of girl is likely to get me in a lot of trouble, which is exactly the kind of girl that I gravitate towards! Given this, I think it’s only fit to call her Little Miss Naughty.

The preceding messages and calls had involved a lot of varied chat. At one time she had worked writing about sex. Right at the start, when she found out that I lived with Toast she said “I cannot begin to imagine what Toast has said about me. If he mentions dwarf porn it was not my idea.”. Toast had not mentioned dwarf porn at all so that opened up a whole new avenue of rich conversation.

Due to the ongoing monkey-AIDS that I have had and will probably die of, I lost my voice on Christmas day. I spend the day with my family and would normally have played with the small children (more for my amusement value than theirs). However not being able to talk and feeling so rubbish meant that I was pretty much confined to communicating via non verbal methods.

Because of this I communicated with Little Miss Naughty more than I did anyone in the room. The curious six year old boy in the room suddenly took interest in what I was doing and wanted to know what I was sending and to whom. He was very persistent. This meant I had to be very careful that I did not leave my phone around because six year old boys can generally work that level of technology and I did not want to have to explain about “when a man and a lady like each other very much… even if they have not met… and have talked about.. err… grown up things… then they… err… LOOK!!! LEGO!!!!”.

Little miss Naughty has very recently broken up from a long term relationship. Things are a little awkward as she still lives with the boy for another month whilst he finds a new place. I am very aware of the potential for rebound so am a little cautious, but we discussed it at least so we are both trying not to get too carried away (even though Toast would probably classify this as a step beyond what he has done with even girls he has already sexed in real life, we clearly have different thresholds).

She did say that she was very surprised that she had been this naughty or keen  before even meeting and would usually have run a mile but there was something about me which meant that I carried it off.

She had suggested that we meet at a bar which specialised in table football (or babyfoot, as the French call it). Despite wanting to, I had never been there before. This was the venue in which I was supposed to meet a girl for a date back in February but had turned up to its sister venue some 5 miles away whilst my date waited at the correct bar.

We had arranged to meet meed afternoon and I was about 10 minutes late because I had stopped off in town to buy her a present. She was sad that she had only received boring gifts for Christmas and was jealous at massive Lego playsets that I had bought for my cousin’s children so I bought her some Star Wars Lego. This, it turns out, is an absolutely winning gift.

I probably should point out that she is not aged 9. She is late 20s and a proper grown up so an appreciation of Lego, especially Star Wars Lego, earns massive points in my book.

…why is it I’m not married yet?

It could potentially be very embarrassing meeting someone who you have already seen and discussed a lot with(and seen a lot of) but I am totally un-phased by such situations and utterly brazen.It is really hard to get a feel for what someone looks like from photos alone (normal photos on dating sites, not any photos which may or may not have been exchanged via text). I wasn’t too worried how closely she resembled her pictures as I knew we were going to have a fun date and was very happy to let things take their natural course.

Thankfully I easily recognised her and joined her at the table grinning. Conversation was only slightly awkward for a moment and then easily slipped into familiar territory as though we had known each other for a long time. Without playing a single game of babyfoot we moved from the bar once we discovered that they were not serving food because we were both dying of the hungers.

Apparently 4.30 on a bank holiday Tuesday is a bad time to try and get food anywhere so we left to locate somewhere to eat. we kissed bit briefly en route. Eventually we found an American Style diner that looked like it was fresh from Grease. I dropped Gravy on my sleeve. We drank alcoholic milkshakes and yakked away at great length like old friends catching up.  Well, actually she had to do most of the talking because I had only recently recovered my voice and could not talk for very long before becoming very husky and sore.

After grub we went to a pool bar and drank lots of gin whilst bouncing balls haphazardly round a table. After that we moved to somewhere else with lovely comfortable leather sofas.We kissed a bit more between the two. The place was empty when we walked in which meant we could find a quiet corner, relatively obscured from view.

The joy of having broken the ice in advance is that we got onto a lot of topics that we would not ordinarily have touched on. Some of it was quite rude.

Things were getting a little frisky so I asked she wanted to come back to look at my light sabers.

On the way to the station we saw a man who had clearly decided to have a sleep on the road  in front of a bus. There were lots of police and ambulance there so the man might have had a tummy ache or something. This is what what I clearly explained to little miss naughty because she was a bit perturbed. Top tip: Dead bodies do not make for good sexy time build up.

Toast was out seeing The Lady at a VERY posh party so we had the pace to ourselves for a bit. Little Miss Naughty stayed over that night, which was a lot of fun and also really lovely to cuddle up to someone to sleep too.

I MAY have got a little overexcited with marriage percentage in advance. This is not to say that we didn’t have a great time it’s just that I can get things a little out of perspective when I get excited. Probably a more sensible figure is 50%. As she’s still very much post breakup (even though she was the one that broke it off) it would be very silly to allow excitement to run away with me or to rush headlong into anything. I also do not have a good history of restraint.

She’s going to be very busy over the next 6 months as she’s retraining and will also have to move house and jobs. I don’t want to put all my marriage eggs in one basket so have decided that it is best to cool it off a little, still see her and see how things go. I enjoy seeing her and we have very similar tastes in humour, approaches to life and sense of naughtyness.

Don’t buy your wedding hats quite yet, not unless she gets me a Lego Millennium Falcon at least.

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  1. January 4, 2011 at 3:41 am

    Of course you like the naughty girls…..
    I will totally not pass judgement on any texts or pictures flying about, although I AM going to ask Toast what the one he received said. *ha*
    Sorry to hear you weren’t feeling well for the holiday.
    Super pleased you recovered in time to be the Kissing Ninja I know and adore! ;-)

    • January 5, 2011 at 12:46 am

      The naughty girls are just SO much fun and I am always drawn to them. Does this mean I am destined for a tortured life of inevitable heartbreak??

  2. January 5, 2011 at 2:53 am

    Fun does not equal torture and heartbreak. WTF???!!!! Naughty IS fun and you should stop over-analyzing it and just enjoy! *aka tell Toast he is just jealous*

  3. January 5, 2011 at 10:16 pm

    i fucking love your guys’ blog! seriously.

  4. January 7, 2011 at 8:46 pm

    Ha! Thanks Philosophized. It’s a please to have you with us. Liked your recent entry too, it took me half the post before I sussed what it was about!

    Shawn – Great advice. I will write it down. Though I will probably lose it, so maybe I should tattoo it on to me instead. With your name. And picture. That will work, right?

  1. February 14, 2013 at 2:15 pm

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