Home > Adventures in Dating > Learning about luggage, dealing with emotional baggage

Learning about luggage, dealing with emotional baggage


It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

Things with the Consultant have been good and they have been less than good. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin.

On Wednesday I took her to a film premier.

We were supposed to be going to a slightly swanky party but some last-minute tickets to The Eagle dropped into my hands so I thought we’d do that instead.

She’d never walked the red carpet before so I thought could be fun adventure.

We arrived a little late, so there wasn’t as much time for red carpet posing as we would have liked but there were lots of people dressed up as Romans so that helped. We did manage stop briefly on the carpet to be snapped before bumbling into the film and sitting down.

There was a long talk from the producer, and then a brief talk from the director and actors before things started. The actors mostly just jumped up on stage and waved. Channing Tatum had an excellent blue suit on.

The film was bad, really quite bad. It was also a mega boy film, with unlike-able characters and a vapid plot.

The Consultant was bored. I was bored and my skin was crawling with embarrassment over dragging her to watch such an awful film. I felt so much shame that I gave her my chocolate bar.

After the film was over I took her out for a meal to make up for the film-sins. We had some reasonable Chinese food in China town and discussed how awful the film was before jumping on the tube.

I ended up staying at her place for the night, it was nice. The only minor blip was she got me to do something nice for her, and then fell asleep before repaying the favour. Hrmpf.

I was hoping this wasn’t going to become a habit.

Time passes

We had arranged to meet up on Saturday in the evening. She had some furniture she had bought and needed help making it. I said I’d help and in a slightly cheeky way asked what my reward would be. This didn’t go down well. It would be safe to say that the text I had in reply was terse.

I tried to call her to sort things out, she didn’t pick up.

Then it was time to turn up at her house for supper. I hopped on the tube with an overnight bag, but I was expecting to end up going home.

I was expecting to break up with her to be honest. Her behaviour was so baffling and to have this sort of prickly encounter this early on was not a good sign. I’m too old for this sort of nonsense.

I arrived at her flat. Her room was a mess with bits of furniture everywhere. She was looking a little flustered. We said hello across the skeleton of a cabinet. It wasn’t a friendly hello.

There wasn’t a kiss, a hug or even a mwah. I’ve had more jovial encounters in police stations.

I made the furniture. Thinking it was vaguely reminiscent of that date with the Fez but far less fun. When the furniture was made we put it in place and then rearranged her room. All with an air of remote impersonal efficiency like communist era Russia.

The Consultant then went out to get supplies for cooking. I offered to go with her but she said I should remain in the now empty flat. I spent the time reading a pamphlet I’d found in my coat pocket very thoroughly.

She was gone for about 45 minutes and returned with a selection of goodies including ice cream. I took the ice cream as a positive sign, if she wanted to have that chat she wouldn’t have got ice cream.

She then jumped into a shower, so I cut up vegetables and because I’d run out of things to do, all the washing up. We made the meal in frosty near-silence. We were literally at opposite ends of the kitchen during the cooking process. I’ve never made a meal in a less sexy way.

The food was served up and eaten with the polite non-conversation normally reserved for people you are near in queues or distant cousins with extreme religious views.

After supper we watched Clue on her laptop and then I asked her what was going on, you know like an adult.

She apologised for the terse text, saying she had been really tired and a bit snappy.

I didn’t say anything else thinking that a pause might help, and she finally revealed the source of the issue. She said that previous relationships had been just about sexy times and mistakenly thought this was what our relationship was based on.

She had previously broken a relationship with a chap because she thought that, even though they were living together and he had tried to convince her otherwise and she admits that this was the wrong thing to do.

This does explain a bit of how she might have been a bit remiss about returning favours in the bedroom.

She admitted she had a bit of an issue.

After this things suddenly defrosted and became far more friendly. I did end up staying the night and it was nice. I left the next day far more relaxed but somewhat pensive.

The next day she emailed me thanking me for being so understanding about the whole sexy times issue.

I’m still a bit concerned. I’m aware everyone has luggage but to have a blip this early on makes me raise an eyebrow. I didn’t expect to be dealing with drama this early on in courtship. Is this a warning sign or just a little curve in the road to a better place? I’d love to know what you lot think.

Marriage percentage: 25% – Yes it’s going to take a hit for this sort of stuff. I’ve dated enough hot, troublesome women to be slightly edgy about this sort of thing.

  1. eyebrowsofdoom
    March 14, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    hmmmm. From an objective perspective, run, run for the hills.

    However, from an empathetic point of view, a *ahem* friend *ahem* of mine often tests men like this around this point. The fact that she told you the first time you asked, apparently without too much effort suggests she wanted to tell you, she wanted the reassurance. But bad that she didn’t talk about it straight away.

    It’s not great – you don’t know if it’s surface level indulgence or genuine fear, for a start. Let her know it’s a grown up relationship, then, if she does it again, run.

  2. RB
    March 14, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    oh toasty toast toast.

    give it another few gos I reckon, but why are all these women you end up with so *complicated*?

    throwing a strop in the first month isn’t a good sign.

    but mebbe you like that temperament ;-)

  3. K
    March 14, 2011 at 8:14 pm

    Does the collective voice of the internet unwittingly sway events from their otherwise normal course?

    Maybe you should invest in a magic 8 ball…
    “better not to tell you now”

    *raises one eyebrow and stares at you pointedly*

  4. March 14, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    Magic 8 balls don’t give you the human validation you need.

    “It seems likely”

    *stares in disappointment*

  5. MrsD
    March 14, 2011 at 10:53 pm

    Now. Everyone over the age of about 12 tends to come with a bit of baggage so that of itself wouldn’t put me off. And maybe you can take it as a good sign that she told you what the problem was (albeit after some prompting). So far so good.

    On the other hand, I find it a bit weird that she’s so concerned about the relationship being all about sex already – at this stage isn’t is usually ALL about sex? You should still be in that ‘can’t keep your hands off each other’ stage for a while yet in my experience. Maybe that isn’t even really what the issue is?

    My worry would be that SHE has this issue, wherever/whoever it has stemmed from originally, but you might find that YOU’RE paying for it. You can’t resolve her past issues but if she can’t move beyond it, it will probably end up driving you apart.

    Phew, I am NEVER normally that serious. Feels a bit unnatural. PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER YOU BIG GIRL. Better…

  6. March 15, 2011 at 6:47 am

    Eyebrow – We have spoken about these ‘test’ and how it is a bad idea.

    RB – Girls are trouble Ros, you know that. *clinks pints together*

    K – 8 Ball eh? Right *updates Christmas list*

    MrsD – You get a gold star. It’s a complex issue indeed.

  7. MrsD
    March 15, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    Thanks. Of course, I was so busy analysing that I neglected to give any actual advice. So I’d suggest, stick with it for now but get out sharpish if there are any more tests or related shit sent your way.

  8. March 16, 2011 at 3:11 am

    I am totally against continuing. Here is why…….

    If I don’t want a relationship to be sexy time filled in the beginning, I don’t give OR RECEIVE. Am I the only one who finds it rather obvious that she seemingly had no issue until reciprocity reared its head. Seriously……can you say, “HEADCASE”?

    Date someone less mental…..and I don’t mean that in a cerebrum sense.

  9. Ms. L
    March 23, 2011 at 11:45 pm

    Toast, you are as darling as they come. Your dating patterns are more obvious than a kanga from Nairobi. All evidence says that you deserve, and can be with a good, sane woman.

    Perhaps this would be in order: Stop defining that you are in a relationship before you actually know the person well enough to know what their major demons are? Let things evolve more organically?

  10. March 25, 2011 at 7:33 am

    Wicked Shawn – I fear you may be right.

    Ms L – That’s a good point. If she had acted like she did last night (blog post following) on a date, I wouldn’t see her again.

  1. March 25, 2011 at 7:02 am
  2. March 26, 2011 at 11:16 am

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