Angry Letters from ex-girlfriends #1
Soon she would become nothing more than another anecdote about my bad taste in women.
I thought after the extensive text messages detailing my failings we’d covered all the reasons why I was a bad person.
Surely there wasn’t any need for any more? I was wrong. There was a need, 1500 words of need. I’m going to post it and include some notes on points she ‘overlooked’.
I realise your last text to me clearly impliedyou never wanted me to contact you again but I wanted to talk to you now that things are a bit clearer in my head; I fully accept that it’s highly likely you’ll read this and not respond and that’s obviously totally fine, but I leave it with you. If you do not respond, you have my promise that you shall never hear from me again.
Implied? I said ‘Please never contact me again’
I’ve been thinking about writing for a while but was foremost prompted write to you as for the last few weeks I’ve feared I was pregnant. (Lack of period + early morning throwing up = grave concern). Now, before you panic,I’m fairly sure I’m not – I have taken a zillion tests and it’s all been fine; I have a doctor’s appointment booked just to ease my mind but as I say, the odds of all those pregnancy tests being wrong is fairly slim (otherwise I will sue them. All of them).
WHAT? I always use a condom, I’m very careful about these sort of things.
Also this is the third, yes 3rd woman to email me with a pregnancy scare after we have broken up. I had no idea that was my type.
Bonus mad points for ‘I’m fairly sure I’m not’. There are tests available, you know, in shops.
But it stressed the hell out of me first of all, because I couldn’t work how I would explain this to you or if you’d acknowledge it and was working out how to explain everything I’m about to type. Post-tests, I was much relieved but I really felt I should still wanted to let you know the following and explain some things.
Okay, get ready this next bit is a corker.
I find it odd to think of us just never speaking again (though will accept this, if this is really what you want) and also, I’ve been reading so much about Japan and Libya in the press lately (bear with me, I have a point…) and when there are so many truly important and devastating things going on in the world at the moment, I feel fairly guilty and self indulgent for drama being made out of things which didn’t need to be as dramatically blown out of proportion.
Yes, that’s right she has just used the Tsunami and massacres of civilians by the Gaddafi regime to try and guilt me into talking to her. This really is a new low.
People argue.And that’s normal in friendships, relationships whatever…but the idea of reacting by cutting someone out of your life altogether…well, I just feel it’s a bit overly dramatic and self indulgent. That’s not a pointed criticism at you-as I will explain, I too should have acted in a more sensible way…
It’s interesting she raises arguments, because she would often get into a huff and show this by refusing to talk or even look at me until I pestered her into talking. This often took hours. Hours. I don’t want to talk to her any more because I have nothing to say to her.
I’m a fairly introspective person and I do not like the way I behaved at several points in our relationship.
I’d quite like to get this printed out maybe on a poster or something or sewn into a commemorative cushion.
I should probably have told you what was wrong sooner and I’m very disappointed in myself for just storming off at the Museum that day – I think I explained why to you-I was trying so hard to start conversations and tell you things and I couldn’t understand why you weren’t responding and appeared to have no interest…however, my marching off like a child was a ridiculous response and I understand why it may have left you bewildered.
She didn’t start conversations with a question, or a statement that inspired the curiosity she would just say things. Normally things she had said before and then fume because I didn’t have any more questions about them. The storming off incident was caused by her saying ‘I’m looking forward to my holiday’
We had already covered almost every aspect of her holiday. I knew where she was going, on a day by day basis. Her plans for it, every possible item she intended to buy for it. Who she was going to see, who she was going to miss.
I can confidently say that I could go on Mastermind and with ‘The Consultants holiday, which I’m wasn’t invited to’ as my specialist subject and pass with a high enough mark to get through to the finals. If the subject of her cats came up I could probably win the series.
I do not ever act like that and I remember how I felt..tired and unsure what to do and frustrated…but those aren’t excuses. At the end of the day, I should have spoken to you properly.
Close, but yet still no mention of sorry. Maybe the s key is off in hiding with the o, r and y.
I also do not like the fact I sent you that text the morning we broke up; I’ve always believe those sort of things should never EVER be done by text or even phone but I figured if you weren’t going to come out that afternoon and talk, it seemed a clear signifier that things were done.
What about the other text messages? The two dozen you sent detailing everything about me that was wrong and all the ways I’d ever let you down. Did you quite like them and so didn’t feel you should almost apologise for them?
I was also just frustrated and angry because, honestly, I wanted to see you and to talk but I should know better by now than to write such a message when feeling fairly emotionally charged which is a very silly thing to do and I am sorry for that.
Okay, here is a sorry. Although what she said she wanted to do in the text messages was take her shopping with my VIP discount card so she could get supplies for her holiday at a discount. Wow, what an offer!
I also need to learn that people will not necessarily respond the way I expect or think they should do. Sounds like an obvious thing really but I think after I send you that message, I assumed you’d ‘get’ from my texts that I was just drained from the situation and was responding out of frustration and not out of malice or spite. I am very aware of my faults, as outlined above… , but I’m not spiteful or petty; I hate the idea of hurting people; I want to make people happy and I’d never intentionally do anything to deliberately upset someone no matter what; I’m sorry if it hurt you.
Apart from all the things you did deliberately to show me how upset you were. Actually this paragraph was pretty good. If I hadn’t specifically told her never to contact me again, and if she’d only sent this then that would have been okay.
Also, honestly, I did think that the only reason you were annoyed about the situation was because you were losing the fact you had someone to sleep with on a regular basis. I know you reassured me this was not the case…but you must understand when you didn’t really inquire about my life or ideas or my past, to me that was the logical assumption.
Not really. No it’s you being MAD. Actually this is interesting. Just after I’d finally got her to talk about how angry she was she said that she had previously broken up with a man because she thought it was just about sex.
They were living together at the time nothing he said or did could persuade her otherwise and their relationship broke down. In hindsight she realised that this was her fault. I wonder if she will have the same insight about us?
I did enquire about her past. I knew where she grew up, where she went to school. Everywhere she had worked, what she did at the job and what she liked and hated about the job.
More than just that, I pulled in quite a lot of favours to further her career. Like big ones. I think this might come back to the fact she doesn’t really know how to start a conversation and there are only so many things I could ever say about her cat, which I’d never met.
It’s lovely that you could remember what I was wearing on each of our dates…but that just further kind of proved my point. It would have meant much more if you’d remember things I’d said or things you’d learned about me.
I did know all those too. I wasn’t aware I should have recited the significance of the ring you wore on your little finger (Holiday in Hawaii after quitting a job in Canada. You got upgraded on your room and had a hot tub that overlooked the sea) or a million other things I knew about you.
When I have fairly serious back issues and you referred to my chiropractor as my ‘chiropodist’…things like that just wore me down.
I’M SUCH A HEARTLESS BASTARD. How can I even look at myself in the mirror.
Again, please don’t read this as an attack – I just wanted to properly articulate how I felt so you could perhaps understand why I responded the way I did. I knew, comparatively, a lot about you and I enjoyed finding out things and getting to know your character and I couldn’t understand why you didn’t respond in the same way to me – although, as I say, I know I should have articulated this better at the time.
Okay Ms Consultant. What do you know? I mean what did you really know about me? What is my favourite colour? Have I ever owned a cat? Which music do I like? What is my middle name?
I don’t want to sound like the tragic, undervalued female but I have had so many relationships which have just been focal on the sex, under the illusion of something more significant, I really needed something more meaningful. E.g. When you told me the ‘only reason you wanted to go to the theatre was to f*ck me in the intermission’…I mean, you understand why I thought the way I did right?
Ahem right, well this is a bit tricky. *blushes* Yes that sounds bad, but it was in the middle of some you know sexy talking during sex, which she started, out of the blue. It was quite shocking really.
I blushed after I said that and it was in reply to her request for something involving a conference room table. Which I should add, I didn’t take as a sensible request.
Yes I realise mentioning the theatre makes me sound a bit off, but there are some lovely shows on that I’d love to see.
Don’t get me wrong, I love sex and think it’s a terribly important part of a relationship…but I’m not a teenager anymore and the older I get, the more I realise I want something significant and long-lasting. I am sincerely sorry for the fact that I just seemed aloof and didn’t let you know what the issues was straight away…honestly, I think I just couldn’t comprehend that you couldn’t know what was wrong…but I should have thought about it more.
This is a pretty sensible paragraph, not much to complain about here.
I hope this doesn’t seem a) rambling (I fear it might ) or b) antagonistic.
I just really wanted to mature route and “talk” about things properly, and apologise for not telling you why I was upset sooner.
I love that ‘talking’ like a ‘grown-up’ gets to be in quote marks.
It sounds like the biggest cliché in the world but life is so short and there’s so much hate and turmoil in the world already that unnecessary animosity and hostility, unless someone’s done something really terrible, seems ridiculous sometimes.
Yes, life is too short. I realised that it was too short to put up with any more of your nonsense.
Sometimes I think people are too ruled by maxims which indicate once you’ve ‘fallen out’ with someone, that’s it, that’s how things are. I never want to live like that and I never want to not be able to forgive someone or to be able to say I’m sorry.
This bit is also quite good. However the problem was that when we started officially going out rather than just dating you would get VERY ANGRY about something and then storm off, and I would have to patch things up. I don’t want to live like that. That was the point I realised we didn’t have a future.
I think part of the reason people find apologising or backing down so hard is because it’s a pride thing but pride is way overrated. I have no problem acknowledging that there are things I should have done better ..and if I couldn’t do that, that’s probably when I’d lose pride in myself. (Gah, that sounds rather like something a earnest teenage heroine of an American rom com).
Possibly, if I’d never met you.
But as I say, there are enough genuine problems and actually awful things in this world that pointless animosity just seems like such a waste of energy. And as I mentioned before, I’ve never and never would intentionally do anything to try and hurt you and I’m sorry if I did.
Well, yes, you did. You were angry and so you acted like you’d caught autism instead of trying to explain why. I never intentionality eat cupcakes but sometimes they just fall into my face.
Okay, this is way too long. My Hotmail keeps throwing back some of the emails I’m sending to my Gmail buddies today so I may send it to your Facebook as well. If this really has bothered you that much, then I’ll respect that and promise I won’t try and ‘amend’ things any more. But if you would like to talk then do let me know.
And I know you said you didn’t want to get ‘drawn into this’ anymore but I’m not trying to draw you into an argument or anything like that…as I mentioned at the beginning of what has now turned out to be some sort of dissertation, when there are such serious and important and devastating things going on in the world all the time, I felt fairly silly about this huge deal where we ‘never speak again’ being made due to pride or other unimportant, self indulgent reasons. If you want to tell me why you were so angry with me, I’ll willingly listen and try to explain to you
I think her mistake is thinking that I’m boiling with rage (Although clearly I have the energy to do this post, but part of that was thinking that it might make good copy) when really I just don’t care.
Okay, well done if you made it this far!
Thanks, can my reward be you never contact me again?
This really is very long and my bed is asking to be snuggled up in and my West Wing DVDs are requesting to be watched. Hope you are having a fun and sun-filled weekend and if you do choose not to respond, best of luck with any future adventures you have planned!
I feel sorry for anyone you date in the future!
This is our 200th post! WOO!