Home > Adventures in Dating > Why strip dance competitions will always end badly

Why strip dance competitions will always end badly


Dating or fooling around with people who read this blog doesn’t tend to work out. Mostly because the person reading can find out what you are thinking by reading the blog and that’s not really fair.

It’s like dating a telepathic person. You can’t not write about them because of Rule 6, Rule 6 is an important rule.

Biscuit has done it and it was amazingly uncomfortable. A reasonable person would have assumed that I would have learned from Biscuit’s example. The events of the weekend however tell a different story.

This is a very hard post to write. This events happened a few weeks ago.

We were at a party a few months ago  and we happened to meet some people who read the blog. Let’s not go into how they found out but lets just say that Biscuit and I would make rubbish spies. We swapped details, using assumed names and continued to talk.

I had mentioned to one of these people in passing that we had a Kinect and that dance-offs were on the cards. We’ve been challenging a lot of people to dance-offs recently.

A few days later the person emailed me and said ‘So how about that dance off?’ And so a dance-off was arranged on a Saturday night, between the two of us.

The start of something stupid

There were some text messages sent. Some of which could, in a certain light be considered flirty.

I MAY, I stress may have suggested that in a dance off the winner of the round downs a shot and the loser has to remove an article of clothing. I say may because this was not replied to or mentioned in any way.

So like a naughty child I pretended I hadn’t said it and forgot all about it. At least I hadn’t mentioned scrabble.

The girl asked if she could bring a friend and I said of course, since Biscuit was about it would turn the occasion into more of a mini-party. That was a much better idea.

She appeared a little late which gave Biscuit and I more time to frantically clean the place, and incidentally get invited to a BBQ by our neighbour.

We had a few drinks and chatted slightly awkwardly. She was wearing jeans, a lot of layers (A cunning plan it would seem later) and had the most amazing hair I’d ever seen. It was like something from a doll or regency period painting, all soft ringlets and subtle tones.

It really was good hair. I suspect she may have just been to the hairdressers.

We took up the neighbours invite for a BBQ and joined a mix of extremely friendly Eastern European types. They were a little bit taken by the girl and her friend.

So taken that several of them asked to have their photo taken with them. I blame the hair, in the circumstances it was entirely understandable.

We drank more and returned to the house for the dance off. The girl’s friend refused to dance so the dance off was Biscuit Vs Toast, Toast Vs Girl, Girl Vs Biscuit and then repeat. There was no mention of clothes being removed but there were a few shots downed.

The danger zone

Some time later I ended up dancing against the girl with Biscuit talking to her friend in the other room. The girl suddenly said ‘Right so are we going to have this strip dance-off or not?’

This was the first time anything from the text had been mentioned.

‘Blimes’ I said, ‘okay.’

And so the dance off began. I won the first round and the second, and the third. I couldn’t stop winning. I was really trying to fudge things up but every time I did the Kinect considered it a master-stroke of dancing and scored me even higher. I could not lose even though I was trying.

The spirit of Patrick Swayze was with me that night

She ended up dancing about in her bra and jeans. I was still wearing my coat. She said she wasn’t taking any more clothes off. We stopped and had a gin and tonic to still the nerves.

My phone vibrated. It was Biscuit. The girl’s friend had just told him that she had assumed I was gay. He had told her otherwise but she didn’t entirely believe him.

I am definitely sending out the wrong signals.

There was one final round of dance-off suggested. All or nothing. The loser would lose all clothes.

A song was selected. We battled it out. In a film this would be a dramatic closely fought battle with the lead changing several times. In real life I somehow got about six times her score.

The game was ended swiftly before any of the terms of victory or defeat could be enacted, instead we rejoined the party and drank more booze.

Sleeping time

Some time later, much later and after a lot more drinking it was time to go to bed. We’ve got a spare room so it was offered to the girls.

The girl’s friend crashed out in the room, she said she hadn’t decided where she was sleeping yet. I said toss a coin over it.

A coin was tossed, and subsequently lost in the bin before the result could be worked out.

Another coin was tossed, it was also lost somewhere near the sink.

A third coin was thrown into the air, it bounced off a telly and nearly smashed a glass. The result said I wasn’t going to be sleeping alone.

It was a bit awkward really. She knew I’d had to write it up, I knew I’d have to write it up. Who wants that hanging over you?

The girls hung around the next day too. There was a bit more dancing (but no more stripping) some breakfast and quite a lot of going ‘ooh bloody hell I’m hungover’.

When she left at about lunch time she asked if this was ‘a thing yet?’ I said I wasn’t sure, it was a bit early to tell.

It was too early to tell.

Marriage percentage – 20% (with massive deductions for telepathic skills and being rubbish at dancing)

Lessons learned:

  • Don’t date readers, it’s not fair because they know 1) what you are thinking 2) what you’ve been up to.
  • No more strip contests, ever.
  • Having a really good haircut probably isn’t a solid basis for something.
  • It is astounding how much booze four people can drink.
  1. May 3, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    Well, to be fair I’ve always thought you were gay too.

  2. MrsD
    May 3, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    This is utterly brilliant. What a tangled web you weave for yourself eh?

  3. Nancy Francis
    May 3, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    Just read the whole blog, beginning to end (ok, not a speed-reader, it took me a few days). I think I’m obsessed. And really wish I was visiting London, I’m desperate to see a naughty balloon hat :)

    • May 3, 2011 at 6:21 pm

      You read the whole thing??? Blimey! I think we need some kind of certificate for such an achievement, or at least a lollipop.
      I didn’t think any would be able to stand that concentrated a dose of mega-spaz but here you still are.

      • Nancy Francis
        May 3, 2011 at 6:35 pm

        I’m a spaz myself – plus, I spend countless hours navigating the significantly more straight forward underground ‘Rocket’ of Toronto and was getting bored with my iPhone games. You guys are infinitely more entertaining.

        Lollipop would be lovely, but a naughty balloon hat would really be my preference!

  4. May 3, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    you have a toronto contingent. I am only on August, Nancy likes to one up me at every oppotunity…. my guy friend has also read the entire blog.

    we need you guys to go on tour please and thank you.

    • May 3, 2011 at 7:02 pm

      Jillian – Oooh maybe that could be the next city visited on tour.

      • May 3, 2011 at 8:11 pm

        Yes, Yes, Yes, I will blog about it from now until then… starting tomorrow.

  5. May 3, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    Toast, you’re being extremely prolific in the writing department lately… This seems to end awfully abruptly. I’m hoping we’re in for a “to be continued.”

    • May 3, 2011 at 7:03 pm

      Text MrDarcy – Traffic has gone through the roof recently, we had over 6k visitors in a day last week, I’m being guilt tripped into writing more. Biscuit is working on a post RIGHT NOW.

      Jillian – On tour again? Our bank balances haven’t recovered from last time yet.

      Nancy – Glad to hear you enjoyed reading it all. If you have any tips on where we have gone wrong that would be handy.

      • Nancy Francis
        May 3, 2011 at 7:26 pm

        Definitely enjoyed. Fine holiday fun.

        I actually think you both have a knack for meeting total oddballs, and Stage 5 Clingers.

        Sidenote: speaking as someone with a host of gay friends, if you think you look gay – girls definitely think you do. However, maybe I’m just hyper-sensitive due to my social environment? If you can rock a pink Tie and still look good, then I say go for it ;)

      • May 3, 2011 at 8:13 pm

        Tips.. no.. but I think Biscuit is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and Toast is too smart.

        Nancy and I are speculating about your looks.. we are thinking you have to be good looking or else you’d have no stories.

  6. May 3, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    Nancy – I don’t think I look gay, it was just the friend of this girl who thought I was dressed a bit gay.

    Jillian – I couldn’t possibly say. *BLUE STEEL*

  7. May 3, 2011 at 9:25 pm

    Jillian Harvie :

    I think Biscuit is a wolf in sheep’s clothing

    I DO like lamb.

    Jillian Harvie :

    Nancy and I are speculating about your looks.. we are thinking you have to be good looking or else you’d have no stories.

    Well, al least my mum would probably say so, but I think a cheeky charm and ‘devil may care’ attitude has probably been the most influential factor in my tales.

  8. May 3, 2011 at 9:39 pm

    Toast :Nancy – I don’t think I look gay, it was just the friend of this girl who thought I was dressed a bit gay.

    Whoops my bad – not that there’s anything wrong with that anyway. Do Brits get Seinfeld jokes?

  9. eyebrowsofdoom
    May 3, 2011 at 10:36 pm

    *bounce bounce bounce*
    I like how, on a post about how meeting readers is bad, you get more readers wanting to meet you, and you go, “yeah sure why not?”
    Spazmodic beauties.

  1. May 5, 2011 at 6:56 am
  2. May 29, 2011 at 7:04 am

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