Home > Adventures in Dating > How Eurovision got me in trouble

How Eurovision got me in trouble


I had a date on Saturday to meet a girl for coffee. We met on The Strand. She was short and curvy, with long dark hair and very good eye-liner.

She was wearing a black dress with a black cardigan over the top.

We said our hellos and then strolled over to a nice coffee shop I know nearby. The conversation was easy and by the time our ridiculous cakes arrived we were giggling away about brass rubbings and plays.

She works in the theatre and so we were talking about things to do with that as well as the usual family/growing-up/plans for the future stuff.

There was a lot of laughing and the conversation flowed easily, I was having a lovely time.

I had to go home to do some work stuff so we parted ways with plans to meet up again in the week, possibly to see a show.

Normally I’d put a marriage percentage in here and it would have been reasonably high but I’d not accounted for the magic of Eurovision.

Later on that evening

I was doing my work stuff while she was at a Eurovision party with some gay friends. I had received a few text messages from her about the acts on Eurovision and had been replying when I could.

She invited me to join her and her chums at a super gay club after I’d finished working. I was pretty tired but we had got on before so perhaps it would be fun. Also, this blog makes you say yes to things.

At about 11:30 I had finally finished working so I changed into a better shirt and caught the tube over to the club.

While I was underground she had called a few times and sent some text messages. She was clearly mashed.

I turned up and she introduced me to her gay chums, one of whom looked vaguely familiar but I couldn’t work out why.

We went inside and got some drinks. She kept pushing up against me. Not a subtle brush or a ‘whoops I didn’t mean to do that’ no this was just shy of a martial arts manoeuvre. I would back away to give her room and she would move closer.

I bought a round of drinks and chatted to her friends. That was when I recognised the faintly familiar one. He is in a band, quite a well known band (They’ve sold a million records), who I’ve seen perform earlier in the week. It really is a tiny world sometimes.

There was more chat, and she was drunkenly pressing up against me some more. The club was loud so I was talking into her ear, she kept trying to kiss me. Then she just asked if she could kiss me. I said okay. So we kissed.

She was really very kissy. Now I’m fine with public displays of affection but this was getting a bit out of control.

She was snogging my face off and trying to undress me. She managed to unbutton most of my shirt before I caught her. I felt sorry for the poor gays in the club, they didn’t want to see this.

She also kept saying how much she liked me. I think she said it about a dozen times, actually probably more than that.

We tried to do a bit of dancing but she was so interested in rubbing up against me that if I lifted one of my feet off the floor I was in danger of falling over. So when she suggested we leave I said okay.

We caught a cab back to her place. It was only a short journey but in that time she revealed her some-what disastrous dating history and how she’d manage to destroy a previous relationship by being to aggressively needy. Even in my slightly drunk state I realised that was a bit of a warning sign.

I toyed with the idea of asking the cab man to just take me home but I didn’t want to seem rude.

Back at the house

Back at her place she made me a lovely glass of water and told me she really liked me some more. As I’m sure you can guess things got a bit naked at this point.

The most alarming point of it all was when she tried to remove the condom because she wanted me to, well she wanted the thing that the condom stops to happen. I told her no, because that causes babies, she was noticeably put out by this.

Some time later we both fell asleep. My dreams all involved running away, from a fire, a flood and even spiders. This may have been my subconscious trying to tell me something.

The next morning I waited until about 9am and made my excuses and left.

Marriage percentage: 5% –  If we’d just had the first date it would have been high but she was a so full on and the stuff with the condom was well, a bit scary.

If anyone needs me for the rest of the day I’ll be in the shower with all my clothes on rocking myself.

  1. eyebrowsofdoom
    May 15, 2011 at 11:13 am

    Oh my god. Let’s make babies?!
    You sure attract them.

  2. guerillakitchen
    May 15, 2011 at 11:42 am

    See what I mean Toasts. If you were a girl I’d advise you to read some sort of self help book. Perhaps you could write one? “How to avoid entanglements with bunny boilers” or something.

  3. H
    May 15, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    Oh my Eurovision does have a lot to answer for!If I were you I would start looking into that injunction now it will save time when she begins stalking! I have a feeling that you are alcohol fuelled dates lead to trouble! At least you got laid though ;)

  4. May 15, 2011 at 8:00 pm

    Sweet Baby Jeebus!

    The good thing is, if you hadn’t met up with her again, you would’ve had no idea about how bonkers she really is. At least this way you know the truth.

    P.S. I must compliment you on your ability to spot “very good eye-liner”, I wasn’t aware men paid attention to such things.

  5. MrsD
    May 15, 2011 at 8:45 pm

    Good Lord Above. It’s as though you have some magnetic power of attraction over mildly unhinged ladies.

  6. Bookelfleeds
    May 16, 2011 at 11:38 am

    Literally wetting myself laughing. Sorry, I know this is all highly traumatic for you, but why the hell did you sleep with her? She is now going to ring you fifteen times a day and its NOT cos she’s a ‘bunny boiler’, its cos in her head, if you tell someone you like them, and then they sleep with you, they must like you back.
    You have only yourself to blame for the ensuing hell, sorry.

    Just stop shagging, I have and no traumatic scrubbing in shower for me!

  7. May 16, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    Please add “Baby Toasts” as an unexpected side effect of starting an anonymous blog… Hot DAMN. Perhaps another cushion is in order? “I will not sleep with Bunny Boilers.” You are going to have a whole set by the time this is over. ;)

  8. May 17, 2011 at 7:12 am

    Eyebrowsofdoom – I do.

    GuerillaKitchen – That would be a handy book.

    H – A superinjustion! What a great idea, although I can think of things I’d rather spend £100,000 on.

    TheSingleFilez – That’s a very positive spin on things. I’m going to steal that.

    MrsD – I’m sure this special ability will be useful at some point.

    BookelfLeeds – Yes, yes I do. It’s all my fault.

    TextingMrDarcy – I think I’m just going to stay away from internet dates for a while.

    • MrsD
      May 17, 2011 at 4:56 pm

      Imagine, you could become a superhero and fight crime!

  9. May 17, 2011 at 8:51 pm

    Poor girl!

    Ever wonder who walked away from you and thought you were crazy?

    • May 19, 2011 at 6:42 am

      All of them Jillian, all of them.

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