Home > Adventures in Dating > Biscuit tells a fairy story

Biscuit tells a fairy story

Jen has recently been in America for work. This has mostly involved tornadoes, a plague of cicadas and being stuck in VERY boring meetings with VERY boring men for hours on end.

She sent me a text saying: “Can I have a story pls? FalLing asleep in meeting… ZZz xx” so I sat down and sent her a story, line by line, by text:

Once upon a time there was band of horrible ogres.
The ogres would capture mischievous maidens and keep them in a dark cave, away from the sunshine.
The maidens were made to sit and listen to the ogres all day long, when they could see the beautiful sun streaming in through the cave entrance behind the ogres.

One day, however, the ogres captured a particularly mischievous maiden by the name of Gwen
This maiden possessed cunning with the same ample abundance with which she was blessed with beauty
Gwen hatched a plan to escape the clutches of the ogres and escape to the sun drenched rolling fields beyond.

When the ogres were deeply engaged in particularly boring grunting and gibberish she slipped a poker into the heart of the ogres’ fire.
Once the poker was glowing red hot she quietly stole over to a smooth cave wall and began carving incendiary traces into the thin moss coating of the wall.
The ogres began to notice what she was doing.
Gradually shapes began to take place…
Lines arcing like an angular wave…
Circles cut into different sized sections
Thin columns of different heights stacked next to each other…

The ogres were spell bound…
Not in interest, but in a trance of complete unseeing abject boredom.
The total absence of content amongst the new pictures, which all seemed the same, caused their pupils to widen, their eyes to glaze, their heads to loll forward but with gaze still fixated upon the meaningless glyphs.

Once the cunning and beautiful Gwen was sure that their heads were filled with a total absence of thought, she stealthily stole past the entranced beasts and into the glorious sunshine beyond.
There she sat, happy, content and utterly serene.

Then a cicada gently alighted upon her knee.  As soon as the creature landed Gwen emitted a hysterical scream and ran, arms waving, into the sunset.
Fin. Xx


The story was received with a “YAAAAAYYYY!!! XxxXxxxxxxXxxxxxxxXxxx “.

Instead of slipping off to sleep, she was then went out, was refused service for fags in a shop for looking too young and got drunk in a casino.

I should clearly go into writing childrens’ stories.

Categories: Adventures in Dating
  1. June 20, 2011 at 8:23 pm

    Awwww, I once had a boy try to be romantic and was talking about “cicadas”
    However, he said “chinchilla” and the effect was me thinking he was dumb….

    • June 20, 2011 at 8:33 pm

      And now.. whenever I hear either Chinchilla OR Cicades, I can’t help but think of that poor sap and start laughing ;)

  2. June 21, 2011 at 2:24 am

    Erm… either I’m missing something, or you might have left a name in you shouldn’t…. Who emitted a hysterical scream?

    • June 21, 2011 at 6:37 pm

      Thankfully I was using DOUBLE fake names so no harm was done, but edited anyway, thanks!

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