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Three Bad Valentine’s Days


I’ve got plans for this V. Day. They will probably go pretty well which will make a boring story. Instead here are three bad Valentine’s Days I have had.

1) The one with the gift

I’d been seeing a girl for a while. It was Valentine’s Day. I decided to get something from Tiffany’s for her. Just a little frippery. I also managed to pull in some favours and get a table at a super trendy restaurant.

I dressed in my smartest clothes and sauntered over the the restaurant a little early. Smiling to myself the whole time in a slightly smug way about how aces the evening I had planned was going to be.

She didn’t turn up. I got stood up on Valentine’s Day by my girlfriend. Never has so much pity been poured on one man while he eats bread sticks.

Lesson learned: Never smile in a smug way on the way to a date.

Fail rating: Moderate

2) The one with the costume

It was Valentine’s Day. I was single, so were most of my chums We were at university. Our logic told us that the nightclubs would be OVERFLOWING with girls who were up for some company. This was our moment. Our time.

We decided to up things even more by going out in costume, because like that always attracts girls. Fancy dress for the win!

I went out in my Storm Trooper armour (Star Wars, not Nazi). Let’s not go into why I had a suit of Storm Trooper armour, that’s a story for another time. Let’s just say that it looks AMAZING.

It’s like totally out of the films. The only problem is it’s uncomfortable and the helmet means you can’t see very well.

Anyway we went out to the club, and the Storm Trooper armour was causing a scene. I was like King OF THE WORLD. I had a few drinks and then hit the dance floor. Soon a crowd of girls were dancing around me. I was like the Fonze, but in white.

The dancing got a bit flirty. Not like sexy or anything, just you know. There was some co-ordination, we were rocking OUT.

This one girl and me. She seemed hot (my vision was very restricted) and we were getting on well. It was just us dancing together for hours. Some time later I took my helmet off to talk to the girl and see if she wanted to take the dance somewhere more private…

It wasn’t a girl. It was a man. With a beard. Called Patrick.

Lesson learned: I can’t tell someone’s gender while wearing my Storm Trooper armour. This might explain why Storm Troopers are such terrible shots in the films.

Fail rating: Low (Patrick and I became good friends)

3) The one with the flowers

It’s Valentine’s day. I’ve been flirting outrageously with a person at work. We’ve been for drinks but nothings happened yet, but boy, did I want it to happen.

I decided to get her some flowers for Valentine’s Day. Hours are spent fretting over the message (not too serious, fun, mildly mocking) and the flowers (£50 of flowers delivered at work, mostly Lilies, no roses.).

The flowers were ordered and I got to sit around smirking to myself about when they would arrive. They did. They went down well. GET IN.

Then some more flowers arrived. Some other blighter was trying to win her affection with plants. This would not do.

I found somewhere else that could deliver in the same day, ordered twice as many flowers and an even more amusing but like ‘here are some flowers I got you, but like what-ever’ message to go with them.

They arrived, and blew her away. In your face other flower buying man. I had won.

I’d won for about an hour. Then another bouquet arrived, and it was even bigger than the one I’d just sent.

Reeling from this I wondered around in a daze. Then I did the one thing I could do. I phoned the flower place and ordered EVEN MORE FLOWERS. Ha. He wouldn’t be expecting that right? This was bound to work. A message was composed and then a catastrophic amount of flowers arrived at work.

POW! Out of the park. I’d definitely won this time. There was no way I couldn’t have won, right? It was like Rocky and I’d just delivered a knock out blow. In your face The Man.

Wrong. More flowers arrived, they were so large it took two people to carry them. The whole office stopped working to watch two burly men manhandle a titanic bouquet to the girl’s desk. I thought about ordering more but it was home time now and I had ran out of money.

Lesson learned: When it comes to total war with flowers the only winners are the florists.

Fail rating: High – I was on the rice only diet for a few weeks because I’d spent too much. We did end up dating eventually but it was a disaster. I hate rice now.

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