The next day after eating cake, the Theatre Producer and I went to the launch of a perfume. It’s a scent made by a well known film company that make children’s films and TV shows and dolls and. Look it was Disney okay?
We met on Oxford Street and then went to the launch that was in the new Disney store together. She was wearing the nail polish I had given her, it was a very distinctive light blue colour which I decided was either ‘Shark’ or ‘Battleship’.
The store wasn’t very busy, because it hasn’t officially opened yet. So we got to look at all the toys while drinking Prosecco and eating canapés. Since she was on powerful painkilling drugs the Theatre Producer wasn’t allowed to drink, which was a shame but didn’t spoil the fun.
The perfume was okay I suppose, not really my sort of thing, but the store was excellent. There was a magic mirror that showed you pictures of princesses when you waved a wand in front of it, lots of fluffy toys and a colouring in area.
We spent a lot of time in the colouring in bit. I’ve not done any colouring for years but once I had a crayon in my hand it all came back to me. Someone should organise a speed dating event where you do colouring in, it’s a wonderful ice breaker and because you are sort of distracted you tend to be a bit more honest.
Once we’d finished doing our art stuff we looked at some more things and I ended up buying some stuff because well I was drunk and I’d got a bit caught up in the magic of the evening. The Theatre Producer had quite a long chat with one of the ladies in the store about comic book characters which was very impressive. Girls with nerd skills are hot.
Later on that evening
We waltzed off into the night. The plan was to go and get some buns at the Nordic Bakery. On the way we gatecrashed an art launch party but since she couldn’t drink raiding the free bar wasn’t as tempting. It was fun gatecrashing though, it seems a confident waltz is the way to get past the lady with the clipboard.
The gallery was next to a Ping Pong and so we went for dim sum. I love dim sum.
We got a table downstairs and ordered a frankly offensive amount of food, which is what you should do with dim sum. The meal was lovely and we talked about all sorts of nonsense while giggling. It was nice.
Eventually we got the bill and headed off into the night to catch the tube. We were heading off on different lines so we said goodbye underground with a couple of kisses.
Marriage percentage: 45% (with massive reductions for being a reader) It was skills, she is amazing, fact.
I know that technically I’m not supposed to be dating to avoid getting caught up with someone just before I go to America. However things haven’t quite worked out like that. I had two first dates last weekend and I’m probably going to have another two next weekend. Not because I’m a man-slut, but because well. Let me explain
1) The Brazilian
I was planning on a quiet night in because I was exhausted from work and all that. However I did happen to have OkCupid on my laptop and it suddenly pinged into life.
A girl I’d chatted to very briefly had got back in contact. She said she was back in the country. I congratulated her on sorting out her Visa and she asked me out for a drink. I asked if she was talking about now.
She said yes and an hour later (time for a shower and travel) we met up in the centre of London outside a coffee shop.
She was tall with dark hair and described herself as ‘Being Brazilian but looking Japanese’. She did.
She was wearing very tight grey jeans, with knee-high grey boots and a woolly top. She was wearing about six coats – she was still re-adjusting to the climate in England.
We ended up going for a coffee because she didn’t drink and I always feel a bit weird drinking if the other person doesn’t. Although I don’t drink caffeine so it ended up being a hot chocolate.
We talked about the differences between London and Brazil, films, pets and great places to eat. She had come back to England to open an art gallery. We talked about art for a long time.
After a couple of hours it was time to get the tube home so we walked off into the night. We said a brief goodbye and I disappeared underground. The conversation had been okay but not amazing. Just sort good with no real ‘wow that’s amazing I’m just the same moments.’
I didn’t think she would contact me again but the next day she texted asking for a reminder of the films I had recommended and asking when my next stand-up gig was. I wonder if she will appear. This may be a slow burner thing.
Marriage percentage – 15% – Not real sparkle but nice enough and the well co-ordinated boots and trousers combination was impressive.
2) The Consultant
Sunday was another date day, this time for a mid-afternoon coffee. This girl contacted me and we had exchanged a few messages before she suggested we meet for a drink.
We met in Angel, I was a little early, she was a little late. She was in a surprisingly slinky dress, with a sort of lace bit that made it slightly more risqué than it first appeared to be. She was short but in amazing shape with, you guessed it long black hair (I am assuming you all know my type by now) and a rather cheeky smile.
We went to a coffee place nearby and had hot chocolate with far too much cream on top. She was very easy to talk to, and had lots of interesting views and had travelled everywhere. We talked about misadventures, writing, clothes breaking and quality underwear.
About halfway through the coffee I suggested we go and see a film she said yes but couldn’t go today. So we had red velvet cake instead. It was very good but also strange, the flavour of the cake I mean.
After a few hours we parted ways. I had really enjoyed talking to her. The only awkward bit was I went for a double *mwah* and I think I caught her off-guard. Whoops.
Marriage percentage – 25% – A good date. She was interesting, pretty and wore a nice frock. I’m a man of simple needs.
She texted me the next day and we are going to go and see Black Swan on Wednesday. Yes I’m aware it’s probably not a traditional date movie but thems the breaks.
Expect more reports to follow.
Yesterday I had two things an important meeting and a date with the Maths Teacher. We hadn’t set a time for the date exactly, but had sort of vague plans for some point in the afternoon.
The day before I’d given the Maths Teacher my phone number so we could do last-minute date co-ordination. After getting drunk and talking about marriage I checked my messages on the dating website.
It was then, at 2am that I’d realised that I’d got a digit wrong on my number. Spaz.
So I sent another message with the correct number on saying I’m sorry for being a berk. Seconds later the following text conversation happened.
Maths Teacher: Berk
Toast: Yes, what a prat
MT: Come talk to me
T: Where? I’m rather drunk
T: I’m nowhere near my computer – staying at a friend’s place. :-(
MT: You’re so lame
T: Perhaps. But I will be less lame later today.
MT: You’re so lame
At this point I fell asleep. When it was time to get up I pulled myself together, showered and dragged myself to the meeting. I was a little bit late and it was quite a tense meeting but it was good in the end. At midday I sent The Maths Teacher a text message saying
‘Right I’m done with work. Do you want to see some art?’
There was no reply.
So I went and had lunch with some chums. A couple of hours later I sent a follow-up text asking if she could make it for about 3pm.
There was no reply again.
At about 6pm I logged back into the dating website and I could see she had updated her profile a couple of times during the day to add in some new films. She had mentioned previously that her phone was a bit temperamental so I sent her a message through the website saying the art gallery was closing in five minutes, but asking if she fancied supper.
There was no reply.
I decided to go home. My female chum invited me to a flat warming with a load of Suicide Girls but I was a bit spent, hung over and a touch dejected so I went home and ate grapes.
I’m still baffled over what happened – but sometimes the world is a bit wonky.
On the plus I’ve got an actual wedding to go to tomorrow so that will be fun. One of my closest friends is getting hitched to the girl who he has fancied since the age of 13. I’ll post the story of that tomorrow.
Ordinarily Toast and I don’t overlap in girl-taste too much. Given that we both live so far apart this is usually inconsequential anyway. However internet dating can be a little like a long-distance version of one of those Panini sticker collections; we both often find potential dates that we think the other might be interested in and will pass on the info in the manner of kids swapping stickers. “Got, got, swap… OOH, a shiny!” (ok… perhaps I’m taking the analogy too far now, unless you are into hypothermia victims in emergency blankets).
Occasionally we find girls that we’re both interested in. Last night I sent Toast a link to a girl I was rather taken with, purely as an offhand “look, she’s lovely” type of approach. He misinterpreted my banter as a recommendation and rather took a shine to her himself. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go, the swine.
Rather than duke it out over MSN we decided that the only way to approach this was to BOTH email and see who was successful. Suddenly it had all turned a bit Fight Club: shirts off, circling, beads of sweat running down the forehead, keen eyes alert for the opportunity to land the knockout blow. I gladly proposed this approach as my response rate to opening emails has been pretty good. I also had an absolutely world-beating plan: I would draw a PICTURE!
Now the girl in question had made reference to an experience drawing avian mammals in a particular park whilst drunk. In a moment of inspired comedy I set to, sketched the above picture and sent it in the full knowledge that she would find it hilarious and be instantly compelled to marry me, or at least buy the first drink and a packet of pork scratchings.
24 hours later and no reply….. clearly she was composing herself to construct a response worthy of such a masterpiece. Then came the bombshell… Toast had a reply. A bloody REPLY???? HE didn’t spend an hour grappling with the inaccuracies of his optical mouse on a shiny desktop. All HE had done was write some WORDS! I mean… anyone could do that.
So… the result of the first Girl-Off™ is conclusive: Toast 1 – Biscuit 0.
Evidently there was a lesson to learn here, although I’m not entirely sure what it is:
- Be super secret over girls I fancy.
- I cannot draw as well as I think I can.
- Toast has used some Derren Brown mind control.
- Next time we should ACTUALLY fight it out, Queensbury rules.
Perhaps it’s just: “The first rule of Fight Club is don’t draw pictures of animals being sick”.