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Dwarf porn, Lego and Little Miss Naughty

December 30, 2010 6 comments

Biscuit

I was supposed to meet with The Naughty Girl for a date yesterday. In fact, we ended up meeting a day early because she blew off a party that she was supposed to be going to because it was a promising to be a bit lame and we had spent 5 days text messaging back and forth .Quite a few of the message had been a bit risque. Some had been downright rude. One of them was accidentally sent to Toast. It mentioned my winkle and it was not a message that either Toast wanted to receive or that I ever wanted him to see.

This kind of girl is likely to get me in a lot of trouble, which is exactly the kind of girl that I gravitate towards! Given this, I think it’s only fit to call her Little Miss Naughty.

The preceding messages and calls had involved a lot of varied chat. At one time she had worked writing about sex. Right at the start, when she found out that I lived with Toast she said “I cannot begin to imagine what Toast has said about me. If he mentions dwarf porn it was not my idea.”. Toast had not mentioned dwarf porn at all so that opened up a whole new avenue of rich conversation.

Due to the ongoing monkey-AIDS that I have had and will probably die of, I lost my voice on Christmas day. I spend the day with my family and would normally have played with the small children (more for my amusement value than theirs). However not being able to talk and feeling so rubbish meant that I was pretty much confined to communicating via non verbal methods.

Because of this I communicated with Little Miss Naughty more than I did anyone in the room. The curious six year old boy in the room suddenly took interest in what I was doing and wanted to know what I was sending and to whom. He was very persistent. This meant I had to be very careful that I did not leave my phone around because six year old boys can generally work that level of technology and I did not want to have to explain about “when a man and a lady like each other very much… even if they have not met… and have talked about.. err… grown up things… then they… err… LOOK!!! LEGO!!!!”.

Little miss Naughty has very recently broken up from a long term relationship. Things are a little awkward as she still lives with the boy for another month whilst he finds a new place. I am very aware of the potential for rebound so am a little cautious, but we discussed it at least so we are both trying not to get too carried away (even though Toast would probably classify this as a step beyond what he has done with even girls he has already sexed in real life, we clearly have different thresholds).

She did say that she was very surprised that she had been this naughty or keen  before even meeting and would usually have run a mile but there was something about me which meant that I carried it off.

She had suggested that we meet at a bar which specialised in table football (or babyfoot, as the French call it). Despite wanting to, I had never been there before. This was the venue in which I was supposed to meet a girl for a date back in February but had turned up to its sister venue some 5 miles away whilst my date waited at the correct bar.

We had arranged to meet meed afternoon and I was about 10 minutes late because I had stopped off in town to buy her a present. She was sad that she had only received boring gifts for Christmas and was jealous at massive Lego playsets that I had bought for my cousin’s children so I bought her some Star Wars Lego. This, it turns out, is an absolutely winning gift.

I probably should point out that she is not aged 9. She is late 20s and a proper grown up so an appreciation of Lego, especially Star Wars Lego, earns massive points in my book.

…why is it I’m not married yet?

It could potentially be very embarrassing meeting someone who you have already seen and discussed a lot with(and seen a lot of) but I am totally un-phased by such situations and utterly brazen.It is really hard to get a feel for what someone looks like from photos alone (normal photos on dating sites, not any photos which may or may not have been exchanged via text). I wasn’t too worried how closely she resembled her pictures as I knew we were going to have a fun date and was very happy to let things take their natural course.

Thankfully I easily recognised her and joined her at the table grinning. Conversation was only slightly awkward for a moment and then easily slipped into familiar territory as though we had known each other for a long time. Without playing a single game of babyfoot we moved from the bar once we discovered that they were not serving food because we were both dying of the hungers.

Apparently 4.30 on a bank holiday Tuesday is a bad time to try and get food anywhere so we left to locate somewhere to eat. we kissed bit briefly en route. Eventually we found an American Style diner that looked like it was fresh from Grease. I dropped Gravy on my sleeve. We drank alcoholic milkshakes and yakked away at great length like old friends catching up.  Well, actually she had to do most of the talking because I had only recently recovered my voice and could not talk for very long before becoming very husky and sore.

After grub we went to a pool bar and drank lots of gin whilst bouncing balls haphazardly round a table. After that we moved to somewhere else with lovely comfortable leather sofas.We kissed a bit more between the two. The place was empty when we walked in which meant we could find a quiet corner, relatively obscured from view.

The joy of having broken the ice in advance is that we got onto a lot of topics that we would not ordinarily have touched on. Some of it was quite rude.

Things were getting a little frisky so I asked she wanted to come back to look at my light sabers.

On the way to the station we saw a man who had clearly decided to have a sleep on the road  in front of a bus. There were lots of police and ambulance there so the man might have had a tummy ache or something. This is what what I clearly explained to little miss naughty because she was a bit perturbed. Top tip: Dead bodies do not make for good sexy time build up.

Toast was out seeing The Lady at a VERY posh party so we had the pace to ourselves for a bit. Little Miss Naughty stayed over that night, which was a lot of fun and also really lovely to cuddle up to someone to sleep too.

I MAY have got a little overexcited with marriage percentage in advance. This is not to say that we didn’t have a great time it’s just that I can get things a little out of perspective when I get excited. Probably a more sensible figure is 50%. As she’s still very much post breakup (even though she was the one that broke it off) it would be very silly to allow excitement to run away with me or to rush headlong into anything. I also do not have a good history of restraint.

She’s going to be very busy over the next 6 months as she’s retraining and will also have to move house and jobs. I don’t want to put all my marriage eggs in one basket so have decided that it is best to cool it off a little, still see her and see how things go. I enjoy seeing her and we have very similar tastes in humour, approaches to life and sense of naughtyness.

Don’t buy your wedding hats quite yet, not unless she gets me a Lego Millennium Falcon at least.

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Stop the presses!

March 30, 2010 2 comments

Biscuit

There’s news from the front! Due to a reshuffling of my social calendar, it looks like the first of the new dates is now going to be tomorrow! I will be heading to London to meet her after work.

Having considered the lessons from previous dates, here is my list of ‘things to improve on:

  1. Turn up on time. Seriously. If anything turn up early and then mooch around for a bit so you can breeze in at just the opportune moment. Looking flustered and red-faced as you rush in to meet a date is a BAD look.
  2. KNOW YOUR ROUTES! Don’t wing trying to find the place when I get there.  Google street view is your friend!
  3. Make sure I am actually going to the RIGHT venue.  After the Babyfoot Café fiasco I have learned to check and double check that the ‘left-handed Hungarian restaurant staffed entirely by dancing dwarves’ is the correct ‘left-handed Hungarian restaurant staffed entirely by dancing dwarves’ and not the ‘other’ branch which is 20 minutes walk away.
  4. Do not drink margaritas. Not even 1.
  5. More specifically, do not drink much at ALL!
  6. Avoid strange-looking men with cute dogs.

If I can manage all this then it’s pretty much a guaranteed success, right?

Eels!

February 7, 2010 Leave a comment

Biscuit

This weekend I was particularly special. Not ‘special – on form’, but ‘special – needs help dressing’.

Firstly I was faffing in the morning, so missed my optimal train to London. Secondly I decided to walk from a tube station slightly further away rather than change (with a big walk through the labyrinthine King’s Cross underground) only to go one more stop.

As I had faffed in the morning, I had not checked my walking route in advance but had no fear as I could rely on that absolute godsend of modern life: the satnav!

Unfortunately my damned infernal satnav REFUSED to connect. I was already late. Being disorientated by the unnaturalness of being fired through dark tubes in a giant metal snake I struck off in completely the opposite direction.

Eventually, harried and flustered, I arrived at the table football café. It was a lovely venue (except for the audible football on the telly, which is like a dentist’s drill to me). The place had quirky décor, 3 babyfoot tables, a surprisingly well equipped and extensive bar… and absolutely no date inside whatsoever. None. There was a foppish man reading a paper but doubted that he would appreciate being a substitute for my absent date.

Armed with a beer I sat down to ponder my next move. Then my date called me from what sounded like a particularly exciting and lively venue. It was a table football bar. The OTHER table football establishment, some 20 minutes away.

Yes, I had been a total spaz and gone to the wrong venue.

A short taxi ride in my direction and we finally commenced the date. We talked about work a fair bit. This is never a good sign as ‘work’ is the fallback conversation (even though it was rather interesting).She was sweet, almost naively so, but I did not fancy her. I also thrashed her at table football. I conceded a few goals but my competitive edge had kicked in and I wanted to WIN damitt!!!

After that I took her for a traditional cockney treat: pie and mash!

I spent my early years of my life in East London and simply LOVE pie and mash. Perhaps I should not have told her that the liquor (parsley sauce) is traditionally made from the water that the eels are cooked in. She conspicuously ate around it after that.

Being very sweet, she did invite me to accompany her to her evening’s activities. I declined as I had my own plans (and seriously, who takes a first date on to two parties?).

In summary: sweet with top quality venue suggestion skills. No chemistry.

Marriage percentage – 10%

Je joue au babyfoot

February 6, 2010 Leave a comment

Biscuit

Today I am off to London for another date. I was supposed to have a date last night. A girl that I was getting on rather well with, but early in the week Internet rats clearly started eating our messages. The infestation must be particularly bad at the moment as they seem to now be nibbling on text messages too. *sigh*

Today’s date contacted me first. Emails have been polite but not particularly engaging. Given how little of face-to-face communication is conveyed by the actual words that we speak I find it fascinating that you can pick up on a definite feel of tone and sense of engagement with only a paragraph or so.

Nevertheless, she has suggested the most amazing venue our date. We are going to a table football café (or babyfoot café as the French might say… possibly not in that order though. My French is appalling). Babyfoot with girls could be an amazing or a terrible plan as I can get rather competitive about these things and forget that it is a date and the objective is not to thrash the other person.

I then have to rush back and meet Dragonforce for a housewarming party this evening.

Tomorrow was going to be a day of rest but I now have another date. This one is with an Actual Real Girl. One that I have met and asked out to her real face. Admittedly that was 7 months ago but hey, good things come to those who wait.

This girl had a moustache when I met her, but more about that later.