Most of this holiday I have been laid up with the ills. 3 weeks and counting. Whilst this may have brought joy to some as I have lost my voice completely several times, it has been somewhat wearing on me and hasn’t exactly encouragedme to pursue girls as I have been feeling less than sexy. The inability to do any exercise has also destroyed my enthusiasm to do anything productive whatsover.
I also pretty much lost my voice when I was on the last date with Little Miss Naughty so social occasions anywhere I have to talk much or raise my voice above very low conversation are pretty much out of the question.
I don’t mean to whinge (well, maybe a little), I’m just painting you a picture of why I may be somewhat less than active with dating or writing.
I’ve also had a bit of a ribbing from Toast about my marriage percentage for Little Miss Naughty falling. He’s noticed a pattern whereby I get very enthusiastic about someone, then seem to lose interest and follow the next shiny thing.
I’ve been giving this a lot of thought because I don’t want to be one of those people who only pursue the unobtainable and get bored once they are interested. It’s a very unattractive quality in a person so I have been mulling over the girls who I have shown significant enthusiasm. In an effort to establish a pattern I have decided to do some science. Get your lab coats and safety glasses on and turn to page 312 of your copy book.
Lashes – I have stopped pursuing her because I am not really getting signals back from her anymore and have been tentatively warned off by a mutual friend because she is a bit of a heartbreaker.
Summary: Still interested but she’s evidently not.
Noir – I WAS rather keen but have cooled off over a few dates as I found I enjoyed spending time with her but have not been excited about dates so have cooled it off.
Summary: Was over keen, gradually lost romantic interest.
Elizabeth – I was over keen, then realised I just didn’t fancy her when we met up for a date.
Summary: Was over keen, suddenly lost romantic interest.
Fuckwittery – We got on like a proverbial burning abode before we even met, had a few very fun meets but both the complexity of her knowing about the blog in advance and her rather erratic careering between extremes of emotion made it obvious that being chums is a much better course of action.
Summary: Got on far too well and was over keen.
Cola Lollies – I was very interested but always felt like I should have been way more keen. Given how generally awesome she is it totally baffles me why I am not more romantically interested in her.
Summary: I WANT to be more into her but don’t understand why I’m not.
Stripy Dress: This was the first girl in a long time I was very interested in. I still would be if she hadn’t dicked me around a bit and suddenly gone really cold with no explanation.
Summary : Very disappointing, was interested in taking it further with her.
a) Was keen but no longer romantically interested in girl: 3
b) Girl lost interest even though I was still keen: 2
c) WANT to b more interested in the girl but am not: 1
Both categories ‘a’ and ‘b’ fall within the behaviour pattern of ‘being interested until a girl is interested back then losing interest’. Just because 5 out of the 6 girls, on the face of it, fall within this pattern it does not necessarily mean that I am succumbing to this behaviour, but it does not bode well. No wonder Toast is not overly keen about me dating any of his friends.
I do genuinely believe that if Stripy Dress had not been such a spaz then I would not have lost interest. I was still very keen when it looked like she was reciprocating the feelings. Notably if I cast my mind back to the very start with cupcake I sustained the keenness when she was interested too.
It could be that I have just not had the right girl reciprocate my interest yet, that the ones I have not sustained romantic feeling for are just not right for me.
It could also be that I have to face up to some bad behaviour that will not be getting me married any time soon.
Lesson to learn
CALM DOWN!!!! Seriously, at least until I have had a couple of dates with the girl, then I am allowed to get break out the party poppers and make Toast do that glazed look where I waffle on about a girl ad nauseum (in between waffling about my favourite gun in Borderlands).
Whilst I can’t control how I feel about someone, if I keep calm then hopefully I can avoid my disappointment, prevent theirs and potentially sustain my interest.
Thing is, I REALLY have no self control! Perhaps I need to use some kind of adapted sexual climax delaying technique like thinking of dead kittens when I get too excited.
Oh… I don’t think of dead kittens when I…err… never mind.
On Saturday I attended a good friend’s wedding. I have been anticipating this for some time because it would be the first time in over a year that I had been in a social situation with Cupcake (as opposed to the few ‘liaisons’ we had since) and the first time there would have been any contact since I broke off communication a couple of months ago in the name of sanity and moving-on.
However, that would not be nearly enough for a Wed or Dead Wager scenario so the following elements were due to be in place to further complicate the prospective situation:
- Cupcake’s new love of her life was likely to be there.
- Cola Lollies was also due to be attending.
- Another girl who I had done a sex on (but who, for the purpose of this blog, shall remain nameless and unidentified) was going to be there. This is a girl who has a boyfriend but still wants to do naughty things (but I do not out of a vague sense of morality).
- Nameless girl and Cola Lollies had met before and got on rather well so were likely to be drunk and chatty again, potentially leading to some squirm inducing situations for me.
As my friend and his fiancée are a quirky sort, they had picked a fancy dress theme to the wedding. It’s one that allowed a lot of latitude so, since Cupcake’s new boy was likely to be there I went for the threatening end of the spectrum. Armed with a small selection of weapons including a NERF style shotgun (painted to make it look brassy and SKILL) and a ‘butterfly knife‘ (the blunt Chinese kind, not the little folding Filipino stabby kind!) ‘borrowed’ from my brother’s wall and strapped to my hip, I looked like a neo-Victorian bounty hunter. I also threw in a mismatched set of freaky contact lenses and some huge Cuban cigars for extra unnerving effect.
Unfortunately (or fortunately) Cupcake’s boy did not show with her. Instead I had the 10 year olds pestering me for goes on my shotgun and impressive sidearm.
Having largely avoided her for about half hour, I decided to address the elephant in the courtyard and say hello to Cupcake. 30 seconds in to our greetings and I look over her shoulder to see that Cola Lollies has arrived and is grinning away, looking stunning, chatting to someone 2 feet away from us.
There was an awkward moment of trying to say hellos to them both almost simultaneously then I left Cupcake to it and went to catch up with Cola Lollies. In fact, I spent most of the day with Cola Lollies and thoroughly enjoyed it.
Cupcake pulled a numer of classic moves but she has no power over me anymore. These included:
- Texting me during the meal with “does it worry you that you’re always surrounded by children”
- Making comments about chatting up a pretty lady.
- Pulling me in for the ‘close’ photo [aka ‘marking her territory’. I do not appreciate being pissed on… well.. depends]
- Coming up for the big hug in plain view of Cola Lollies and saying ‘I miss you’.
The great moment for me was when she said that and I thought ‘I really, REALLY don’t miss you’. I gave back an ‘ahhhh’ and a bit of a fake hug. She pulled back and said ‘is that all I get? “ahhhh”?’. So I gave a marginally less fake hug… but I still didn’t miss her. And that, THAT was utterly delicious. Finally, unequivocal confirmation that I was absolutely free of her. Bliss!
Whilst I was generally distracted, Cola Lollies was often chatting merrily away to others including great stretches of time with the girl who shall remain nameless. We were together most of the time and worked our way through most of the large bottle of vodka I had brought with me.
And as the drink was settling in and the frivolities and dancing ran amok, I kind of got it. I think I was finding that spark that had been lacking with Cola Lollies.
Thankfully the venue allowed camping so bed was only a short stumbling distance away. At about 11.30, sozzled with lots of rum and vodka Red Bull, we made our way back to my tent.
*camera pans away leaving a fleeting glimpse of silhouettes in the tent and audible suggestion of hijinks ensuing*
Cola Lollies spent the whole of the next day and night back at my place. A lot of this was spent recuperating from excesses of booze. What became very obvious though, is that the spark was very much a product of the moment (and possibly booze). I REALLY enjoy her company, but I don’t think there’s anything more. However it is still lovely to cuddle up for a night. Cola Lollies is about to leave for 6 months work in China so this is not really an issue.
Hmmm, why do ALL the girls seem to leave the country?
So, with Cola Lollies effectively out of the picture, and nothing further from from Stripy dress since I replied to her over 26 hours ago, it’s time to look forward. Tomorrow night I have my date with the tenacious Irish girl I met recently. Friday night I am going to hit the favourite rock club for a drunken night.
In addition to this, the Wildcard mentioned in the recent summary has actually turned out to be incredibly promising! She is funny in email and has a wicked and subversive sense of humour. She likes a lot of the same things I do, including music, and seems rather interested in learning more about me.
The other point worthy of mention is that our mutual friend, who has been subtly trying to set us up for a while, is fully aware of this blog and its contents. I don’t anticipate this being too much of an issue as the mutual friend is quite a clued-up worldly sort who would not break cover. That and I am lovely and treat people well as long as they treat me the same.
Mind you, skirting a bit close to the edge though, isn’t it!
Biscuit is off at a wedding with both Cola Lollies and Cupcake so I thought I’d do a state of play post too. From the slightly garbled text messages I’ve had from Biscuit it sounds like the events of the wedding will be amusing. I’m looking forward to finding out what happened too.
I’ve not heard back from Mia, so we can only deduce that Internet Rats ate the message. There is no way of contacting her again without seeming like a total mental so I think I’m going to have to leave that one.
However in Toast DreamsTM we have been going out for ages. I’m not talking about day dreams (I hardly know her) but actual proper dreams. In dream world we’ve been going out for months. It’s all a bit Inception really.
Last night I dreamt we met a load of her friends at the Tennis Club. I was wearing a red suit which seemed a bit off, but worked well against the green of the lawns. I was late to met her at her imaginary flat in East London (I couldn’t find it on Pretend Google maps) and she wasn’t ready so I had to go on with out her.
Her friends were nice, if a bit awkward because I’d never met them before and Mia wasn’t there to introduce us.
Eventually she turned up wearing an excellent plum coloured summer dress. She was delighted to see me and we danced in the afternoon sun to a band playing in a big white tent. We drank champagne and ate cucumber sandwiches in between songs. It was terribly civilised, and a complete mirage.
I have dreams like this most nights. Let’s not talk about what happened when I got a bit drunk meeting her brother that she might not have. Honestly, if I ever bump into Mia again it will be a bit awkward because she will feel like an ex.
On the rest of the dating side of things it’s gone a bit quiet. There was the girl Scalene and I met in a bar. I’ve now contacted her on a vaguely flimsy work-related pretext, well quite a good work related pretext but something she couldn’t get involved in and so we are in the hinterland. The awkward pause in a conversation. I think I’ll leave it for now. I don’t need anyone else to be haunting my dreams.
No, I’m not referring to the removal of cattle. Instead this seemed like an ideal moment to take a breahter and intertwine all the current loose threads into a big, fat bloggy rope.
…crappy metaphor? Anyway…
There are a number of girls currently in the picture whether they are aware of it or not.
- Stripy Dress – After all the recent adventures and camping debacle, she is still the one who I would currently like things to work out with the most. She’s not the easiest to get close to but I’m still allowing a degree of latitude. Maybe it’s a chemistry thing, I don’t know, but she still sparks something inside me that most others have failed to.
- Irish Girl – Irish Girl definitely needs a better moniker but she is one of the pair who I met on the streets at the tail end of the last big London trip. Because Stripy dress has been blowing a little hot and cold I have decided not to concentrate all my energies on her, so have booked a drink with Irish Girl next week.
- Cola Lollies – She’s not out of the picture yet, even though she’s leaving to work in China for 6 months. On Saturday she’ll be at a mutual friend’s wedding. The venue allows people to camp overnight so there will be drinking and partying to the we small hours. I have offered Cola Lollies one of my spare tents as she has nowhere to kip. However, I still can’t shake the feeling that I should fancy her more than I do, being gorgeous and generally awesome, so keep holding out hope for more of a spark. The other interesting part about this wedding is it is the first time that I will socially be in the same place as the ex, Cupcake, since we broke up June ’09. Cupcake will be there with her new love so this could be a very interesting dynamic. It is fancy dress and I will be sporting a variety of large and threatening objects. Y’know, just for effect.
- Local girl from recent date – I know, I know… I wasn’t going to see her again. The thing is she’s nice and so I have amicably been returning the odd text. I don’t really want to give her a ‘no’, I’m just kind of hoping that my imminent move may make logistics impractical and so let it go it’s own way naturally.
- Leia – This is the future colleague who Dragonforce will be working in Qatar with. Although barely worth a mention due to the whole ‘moving to the Middle East’ thing, DF is convinced that she is perfect for me so we have struck up Facebook chats. If ANYTHING is going to happen with this one then it is going to be a very slow burner, but worth mentioning now for context.
- Scarlet – Although she is currently living in Oz, there is a high likelihood that I will see her at Christmas. She’s not really sure what her plans are but certainly nothing is happening soon.
- Wildcard – This is a girl who a mutual friend enthused that I would get on with very well and who was supposed to be attending the London rock club on the same night I was some months back. Unfortunately some sort of trouble with her horse meant she couldn’t make it (maybe it threw a shoe or broke down on the way). Today we have ended up making contact on Facebook due to an enthusiastic bands/music conversation on a friend’s page. Unfortunately she is now ‘in a relationship’. BAH! However, relationships break down and I seem to get on with her so will stay in contact and see if anything develops.
So… what next?
Tomorrow night I have a date with Stripy dress. We have planned food and I am going to do my best to keep us off the booze to see how she is with me when sober. After all the recent uncertainty I hope to get a little clarity tomorrow so need a level head. Hopefully I should know by the end of the night whether there’s any real potential.
Knowing me, I’ll probably just become mesmerised by her eyes, drink too much, do some ambiguous kissing and come away even more confused than I started.
So as you’ve probably gathered, last night I went on a date with Stripy Dress.
I must say, I’m surprised. Surprised at a number of things last night. I’m surprised by how well we got on. Surprised by how close she is to what I want in a girlfriend/partner/spouse. Surprised by how much I just sunk into her gorgeous soft brown eyes. And surprised by quite how far I have let myself fall for her so fast.
It would be fair to say I’m smitten. It would also be fair to say that I’m now full of the frets!
At this point it’s probably useful to give you a little history. When I fall for girls I have had a tendency to fall very hard and very fast. This happened particularly with Cupcake and Aussie, my last two girlfriends. Both of them I was very serious about. One I moved to Australia to be with (good move) another I moved with (in the very latter stages) into her parents’ place (bad move. It’s a long story but basically, don’t do it kids!).
So it is with some trepidation that I approach this situation. I’ve discussed how there have been girls that I really should have fallen for but haven’t. If it doesn’t feel right then no amount of ‘box ticking’ will ever compensate for that. The fact that I have fallen for Stripy Dress like this means that there is something special that I am REALLY keen NOT to fuck up!
Unfortunately, like some quantum event, observing the process changes the outcome. I am now REALLY aware of how I play things and that is probably changing my behaviour negatively. Prior to this we were happily swapping Facebook message back and forth several times per day. It was all the ‘getting to know you’ stuff and it was fun! However if the last year has taught me nothing else it’s that being too keen is not attractive to girls.
So, the date. After being a spaz and sending Stripy Dress the update that I MEANT to sent to Toast, things kicked off brilliantly. We hit it off pretty quickly and wandered around chatting chatting with ease until we reached the target watering hole. One bottle of Rosé was quaffed and promptly replaced with another. We swapped tales, quizzed each other, giggled, took the mickey and I tried my best to play it cool. Playing it cool was becoming increasingly difficult as if I looked into her eyes for too long I started to lose my train of thought as my stomach fizzed and tingled.
After a couple of bottles we struck out on a mission to reach the river. Stripy Dress suggested this and it seemed an excellent idea as walking along riversides (even rivers that are as unappealing to come into contact with as the Thames) is exactly the sort of thing you should be doing with a slightly squiffy girl that you really want to kiss.
The reality of reaching the river was much more difficult than it first appeared, involving 2 busses, and so she proposed we strike off for her place. this seemed like an even better idea so, picking up another bottle en route, we jumped on the tube.
Around this point was pretty much when the remainder of my cool evaporated. Sat next to each other, faces close and pleasantly toasty from a bottle of wine each, I lost the ability to finish sentences. I had to fess up about the effect that her eyes were having on me.
At her place we sat in the garden, picking up conversation where we had left off earlier. Getting closer and more tactile with each sip, I found her head almost nestled into my shoulder. The kissing was just luscious, passionate and delicious. It was without thought and totally absorbing. …except for the bit where I nearly pitched over as I lost my balance.
Eventually I was pointed back in the direction of the train station and, saying goodbyes and promising to call, I made my way, gleefully bouncing along, back home. After Cupcake I promised myself that I wouldn’t fall like that again. But I just have. This time, however, I am determined to play it cool.
As it happens,she is going to the same festival that Dragonforce and I are going to in a week. Currently Stripy Dress is having trouble getting a lift up there with her friend so I have tentatively offered them space in the back of the car if they’re stuck. Obviously this would be a full on second date as it might well mean them camping with us too… but that’s to deal with later. For now I just have to concentrate on NOT cocking it up!
Marriage percentage: 55%. Shockingly, but excitingly, high!!!
On paper I should be really good at ball sports. I am tall, fit, athletic, can run fast, am nimble on my feet and can juggle (and do a variety of other similar skills requiring feats of coordination) pretty damn well. However I am rubbish at football. As in: always second last picked at school. I can’t coordinate my body to manipulate a football in any meaningful manner besides occasionally accidentally connecting with it and HOOFING it off the pitch.
On paper Cola Lollies should pretty much be my perfect girl. Paper, however, is a misleading resource. It is perhaps the Wikipedia of judgement making tools. It gives you a bloody good idea about something but sometimes completely misses the point.
Cola Lollies is the friend of a friend who I met at a party several years back. She is VERY pretty and I was interested but had no idea how to progress that beyond being a bit starey and attempting to develop my powers of psychic persuasion from afar. The night ended up with me swapping clothes with a girl at the party and waddling round with her skirt worn round my neck, like some kind of transvestite dwarf. Also, girls pants are way too small to contain testicles, as the photo of Cola Lollies’ horrified face will testify. This was apparently a BAD technique to pull girls.
Anyway, jump forward a few years to last August when I saw her again at the same friend’s party. It was this point when I was at the peak of my new found cocksure attitude. We spoke a bit, I was slightly flirty but in a thoroughly ‘I couldn’t care either way’ way and that was it for the evening.
After that she was suddenly rather keen (despite the ‘testicle’ episode mentioned above), came to visit on the bank holiday Friday and didn’t leave until the Monday! At the time she was interested in more than just a casual liaison but my head was in no place to deal with anything meaningful (post-Cupcake).
So, 10 months on and we get together again. I’m prepared to give it a real go and see if I feel more now that my head’s clear of Cupcake related nonsense).
As mentioned, Cola Lollies is VERY pretty, very fit and toned (singer/dancer type), great sense of humour, LOVES to eat food, enjoys ‘boy’ movies (ones with robots and explosions), great taste in music. All we’re really missing is the artificially coloured bright hair.
We had a great time, ate silly Mexican food served with meat and chocolate, ate cake, wandered round, chatted, giggled and enjoyed general shenanigans. I don’t have to put up a front; I can be the massive spaz I am. And yet, something is just not there… and I don’t know why. Call it chemistry, call it spark, call it the look that makes you melt into their gaze and want to cradle their face into your hands… it’s just not there.
On paper she should be at least 50% marriage potential. I really enjoy hanging out, cuddling up, giggling and watching trash telly with her. I didn’t even really want to do rude stuff when I stayed over, although I WANTED to want to.
I think the word for it is ‘friend’.
I would like to see her again, but if she feels anything more for me then it’s unfair not to be explicit about this as I don’t think it’s going to change. Mind you, this is largely academic as she is off to work in China for 6 months.
Marriage percentage, sadly: 15%
Just goes to show that the ‘list’ of things you think you want counts for nothing and that you really, really can’t tell who will make your stomach leap into your throat with a glance, a wry smile or a love of robots with really big lasers.
This is a post that I have been meaning to write for some time. I was originally going to title it “All Quiet on the Western Front” due to the complete lack of any dating activity. In essence I was going to account for the recent lack of activity, in the manner of a child squirming to his eacher after failing to complete his homework.
Recently it has been very difficult, verging on impossible, to find the time to locate and woo potential spouses. My typical week until September looks something like this: Monday to Thursday evenings – Sport and exercise, Friday to Sunday – Pick one from the following list:
- stag party
- music festival
So basically, to fit in dates I have to bump other activities, or cunningly combine them with any of the above. I am still on a dating website but I have let my subscription lax and am not pursuing anyone through it.
However, in the last couple of weeks, the old adage about buses (You wait ages then 3 turn up at once) suddenly seems to apply. I have just spent 5 days away at Download music festival. This is kind of event that is populated by EXACTLY the kind of girls who I think I fancy. Ones with rock sensibilities, brightly coloured hair and bunches. However much to my surprise there were very few who I particularly fancied.
I did end up making contact and swapping numbers with a tiny girl who I found fighting her way to the front of AC/DC. She seems fairly interested and if timing allows I may end up meeting up for a drink as she lives in The London.
The week before that I was at another gig and gave my email to another girl who got chatting and wanted to stay in contact. Subsequent chats on facebook have proved very intriguing and I think there’s potential there.
Separately I was out with chums for a drink in my town of current residence and a barmaid (who I had previously remarked was very pretty) started chatting because of a band T-shrt I was wearing and ended up giving me her number on my promise that I would come in to keep her company whilst the pub was dead during one of many games of football that are blighting our screens at the moment.
Amusingly, last night I was at a wedding and an ex who I have not seen for 4 years was there (Aussie). Although there is NO marriage potential there she was full ofbooze and amarous intention and we ended up getting up to some naughty stuff (nothing TOO naughty) in a miniature replica village. I felt a little like a cavorting Gulliver.
Lastly, as soon as I finish this post I am jumping on the train to go and see Cola Lollies. Cola lollies is an Actual Real Girl who I know from not off the intarwebs. When toast originally saw a picture of her he went all doe eyed and cooed at the screen “hello dream woman”.
So, maybe all hope is not lost? Either way, until September it’s going to be tricky and sporadic, but that’s plenty of time for Toast to propose or mess it all up horribly so maybe the wager is still within my grasp after all?