Posts Tagged ‘engagement’

Back to the past! Then… BACK TO THE… well, present.

August 31, 2012 1 comment


There’s been a lot of big news coming from Toast recently and you’re possibly wondering what’s happening on this side of the wager.
Will Billy escape from the abandoned mineshaft?
Will Susan discover that Jake is her brother?
Will anyone work out what that smell coming from the patio is?

There have been on quite a number of adventures, mishaps and ensuing hilarity but that’s not what you want to know, is it? Well most of it has been pretty awesome (even though it revolves around a girl, who’d a thought, eh?) but some of it has been really hard to write about, which is why I was dodging it for so long.


When this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you’re gonna see some serious shit

Let me take you back in time 9 months…
<flashback>Toast and I were living together in the 4 Xbox household. For reasons that I won’t go into we were faced with a deadline of either moving out in 4 months or buying the house we were living in. With the opportunity to expand the technological empire further we decided to go for it. In retrospect I can see how limiting this would have been on our developing relationships, but when man is blinded by the idea of a robot man servant, or even a robot DINOSAUR servant, it’s easy to get carried away.

This is the first time I had tried to buy a house and it turns out that it’s quite expensive. We spent about 4 months weighing up the pros and cons of Ponzi schemes, life insurance scams and train robberies (although I’m not sure that 13 boxes of Doritos, enough chocolate and fizzy pop to bring on instant diabetes and a train conductor’s hat would have helped us buy a house). Then our deadline was pretty much up.

This is when things got tricky. Toast finally realised that this was out of his reach and decided to make the big move in with TP. This is a pretty pragmatic and sensible decision and is probably what we should have been discussing earlier, however it came totally of the blue and the following day I found myself the sole occupant of the house.

It was a bit of a shock. I was reeling and wasn’t really sure what my next steps were.
With the previous prospect of becoming an eligible home-owner, I had obviously spent time musing about when Jen and I might move in together. In my head, her and TP would eventually move in and sitcom style hilarity would ensue. No… I hadn’t really thought it through. We probably needed at least one ferret and a drag queen to make it sitcom material.

Jen and I hadn’t actually talked about living together at that point. She was living in a shared house with two friends and her contract wasn’t due up until October. I knew that I’d love to live with her properly and we both thought it would be great, although October was a long time to be in limbo before we could find our own place to rent. It was time for some a serious huddle to talk strategy. Jen’s housemates were very understanding and were happy to let me stay for a while to give me a chance to find my feet again.

After a bit of heart-to-heart Jen and I came up with our ultimate plan: WE would buy the house, like motherfucking GROWN UPS!

There are some exciting decisions in life where you get to make grand gestures, big announcements and celebrate decisions by denting the kitchen ceiling with a poorly extracted champagne cork. Unfortunately, when the decision is forced prematurely due to circumstance it kind of takes the shine off the glory.

This is something that we both wanted to do and agreed that we would have been considering moving in together around October anyway but we’d had no time to even get used to the idea before we needed to make a massive grown up decision. It was definitely a much better plan than Toast and I buying together but we would have much preferred to have some time to talk about it, get excited and make the decision ourselves. There wasn’t any time for celebration as we were instantly thrust into the stressful logistics and finances.</flashback>

This is a lot to fit in to one post so I’ve had to skim most of the detail but I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about this decision. It was big and scary but we both really wanted it and were really excited. Having a deadline isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The whole point of this wager was to make Toast and I get off our posteriors and get us some o’ them there WIVES! Without that to motivate me I wouldn’t have learned so much about myself over the last couple of years, had such memorable experiences or met Jen.


We’ve now been ‘officially’ living together for 6 weeks and it’s amazing. It feels like it’s been months. We’ve got some formidable relationship tests ahead of us including IKEA (the bane of lesser couples) and some mega decorating. Seriously, EVERY wall, ceiling and floor needs to be decorated but I know that we’re gonna lay a tag-team SMACKDOWN on that motherfuckin’ woodchip wallpaper like the Partners in Crime that are!

All our monies are now being poured into this project, which means that grand expensive life events (like expensive jewellery or parties where you dress up in pretty dress and 3 piece suit and get all your relatives and friends together to get drunk and dance to the Grease Megamix) are now FIRMLY off the cards for the foreseeable future.

However, this is the WED or Dead wager, not the ENGAGED or Dead wager.

In an unrelated conversation a friend mentioned that they had heard that Vegas do weddings with pretty much no notice. There’s no reason I mention that, I’m just saying in case someone else might feel like a Star Wars themed wedding but couldn’t wait for a Death Star wedding cake commission to be ready.

That’s the only reason.

Right, next important issue: does anyone know how to remove horrendous ‘70s gas fireplaces without a canary and armed with only a hammer and a roll of gaffer tape??

A very long drinking engagement, and a wedding of fools

September 1, 2010 28 comments

Toast (Biscuit and Scalene were also there)

Last night Scalene introduced Biscuit and I to FleetStreetFox. There was laughter, there was vomiting and there were serious conversations about weddings. That’s quite a lot for a Tuesday evening.

We met the infamous FleetStreetFox in a bar so dark that I think Scalene found her by echolocation rather than sight.

FleetStreetFox was working on a bottle of wine and we said awkward hellos. FleetStreetFox was definitely foxy, we (Biscuit and I) were both caught slightly off guard by that. I think Biscuit was even momentarily shy.

I’m not allowed to give a longer description of her because she is all secret, we weren’t even allowed to know her real name.

Once the ‘oh my god it’s mad people off the Internets’ bit was out-of-the-way it was fun. It’s always interesting to find out if you match your blog persona. According to FleetStreetFox we are both a bit older than she thought and I am less stupid in real life. Only a bit mind.

Everyone got on terribly well, we drank far too much wine and covered some very important subjects. Namely DragonForce/Scalene, who has dated the biggest pervert and the nature of bets.

FleetStreetFox and Scalene both thought that the wager should end at the wedding, because people can have really long engagements and that would be cheating.

We also discussed the nature of the forfeit. My suggestion that the loser should have to shave every single hair from their body did not get approved. Which is probably for the best given that at the moment Biscuit is clearly in the lead.

This sort of nonsense went for most of the night and only stopped when the bar staff forced us to leave. We ambled home, pausing only to get chips and for Biscuit to do some light acrobatics and then collapsed for the evening. It was an excellent ‘quick drink after work’ on a Tuesday.

I won’t say who was sick the next day but their name rhymes with Miscuit.

Lessons learned:

  • Drinking nice wine may make you feel sophisticated but it will still make you do and say stupid things if you put enough in your mouth
  • No-one wins when you have a competition over who has dated the biggest pervert
  • After drinking a lot of wine, it’s not a good idea to go near the Internet, or your phone
  • Scalene is surprisingly light, according to FleetStreetFox

The rules of engagement

January 31, 2010 Leave a comment


A wager needs proper protocols.  After all Phileas Fogg didn’t didn’t tramp off round the world without first establishing a few ground rules (note: Phileas Fogg did not technically tramp off round the world at all, what with him being a pretend man in a book an’ all).

At the start of our London adventure, Toast and I wrangled out a quick guide to conduct throughout the bet. This compilation will no doubt be further expanded over time but we needed a starting point to ensure no foul play on the first earnest weekend of the wager.

This is the list that we have currently agreed:

1. No deliberate cock-blocking.  We may accidentally date the same girl but phoning her up to say the other one punches kittens for fun is off.

2. No telling girls you are dating about the blog.  This is for our own safety really. No good can come of this. Although it’s probably wise to explain a bit after the proposal.

3. No outing.  Since the girls you date don’t know about the blog it would be wrong to take photos of their faces or identify them openly.

4. No quitting.

5. Dating an ex of the other challenger is permitted but you have to let the other person know first. However, exes listed under the relevant challenger’s ‘Dating History’ are STRICTLY off limits.

6. EVERY date must be blogged.  No secret dates. No ‘we just went for a coffee’. Every single one has to be recorded. Also you have to provide a Marriage Percentage (M%), scored at the end of the date.

7. There are no bad dates, only good stories.

8. The definition of a ‘real engagement’ is that you tell your mum.

For the sake of clarity and fair play,  any future additions will be added to ‘The Rules of the Wager’ at the top of the blog. With that established we were free to start the weekend in earnest! (Note: for the sake of further clarity, we were in ‘London’, not ‘Earnest’)