The time had finally come for my actual proper girlfriend (The Theatre Producer) to meet my mum.
This was quite a big deal, because you know, mums and stuff. I’ve only got one parent left after the big C took away my dad so my mum represents 100% parent block vote.
Mum was in London meeting the parents of my sister’s fiancé. Yes, that’s happening, anyway after meeting them she had a free day on Sunday so I invited her around for banana bread and coffee.
The preparations begin!
I had to clean the house. The place Biscuit and I share would be described as ‘boy clean’ at the best of times so it required a big clean.
I had spent most of Saturday polishing things, scrubbing other things and swearing about how I couldn’t find any more sponges. On Sunday morning there was a second bout of cleaning followed by some banana bread making and then more cleaning.
Biscuit set the front path on fire.
He was doing some make-up work for a film and so had a load of alcohol left over from cleaning stuff. He decided the best way of dealing with this was to pour it on the path to the house and burn it. This gave our garden a spicy aroma of booze and fire as well as putting a weird pink stain on the path. The important thing is he contributed right?
Anyway, my mum met The Theatre Producer and they got on fine. My mum isn’t scary or anything like that and so it was a nice meeting. I made some sandwiches and we ate them as well as eating a lot of banana bread. I made a sandwich for my mum, but wasn’t sure of the rules for the rest of the sandwich making. Should I make one for my house mate too when guest are around?
After a few hours it was time for mum to get the train home so I walked her to the station and she told me she liked TP very much. It was as successful visit.
I’ve been dating the Theater Producer for over four months now. Yes proper dating, from when I asked her out after Epic Date #1. She thought we were dating before then but that would be a mistake like thinking the Earth was flat or that Indiana Jones IV was any good.
No really, I’m that bad at keeping relationships going. I don’t really do pets either. I’m so bad at relationships I think I qualify for disabled parking.
We haven’t really argued in all that time, although we will never agree over if the Y axis on a controller should be inverted or not – It’s a nerd thing to do with computer games, all you need to know is inverting is WRONG.
Here are some other unexpected benefits of being in a long term* relationship:
- They know how you like your coffee and you know how they like yours.
- You can force them to read books you like.
- Sometimes they buy you chocolates.
- They know to act impressed when you show them a picture of a dinosaur you made at work.
- Cheese toasties may be made for you unexpectedly.
- You have to pick up a lot of spiders and put them outside, even if you are just about to fall asleep.
- You may get into a slightly competitive game of ‘who can give their girlfriend the best gifts for no reason’ with your friend.
- Watching DVD Box sets takes ages because you aren’t allowed to watch the next one until they are around.
- If you give them a draw they will slowly take over your room.
- Apparently it’s never the right time to scribble on your girlfriend’s face when she is sleeping.
*By my standards which puts me at about the same level as mayfly or the half life of Seaborgium.
Regular readers will know that The Consultant was worried that our relationship was just about sex. It was a bit bumpy for a while but then we had a grown-up conversation about it and it seemed to be fine.
So fine that she invited me around to her place at 10pm on a Saturday night. When I arrived she was wearing just very skimpy item of clothing.
I’m a sucker for a well dressed lady and – I am sure as you suspect – she had one thing on her mind.
The next morning we woke up, or I woke up early and read a book while she snoozed. I always wake up early so I take books with me so I don’t wake the other person.
Several chapters later she woke up and instantly had designs upon me. I didn’t even bother to pretend to resist. It was of course very pleasant.
I suggested getting breakfast together but she said she didn’t have time. She was off to the gym and I had some writing I could have done so I strolled off home.
So we had a Saturday morning together, but no time for shopping together or wandering the streets making small talk, just the naughty stuff and then leaving.
Exactly what she had said the previous weekend that she didn’t want to happen.
Girls are mad.
I do wonder sometimes if her slightly clunky approach to male relationships is due to the fact her father wasn’t really around when she was growing up. I suspect that absent parents make more of an impact than we think. Could this be the root of it all?
Marriage percentage: 25% I still don’t really ‘get’ her, even if she is always immaculately turned out.
There are lots of things I don’t understand about women. Why they like Grey’s Anatomy, their strange attraction to horses and how they can’t understand how excellent robots are.
Of course all of these are lazy stereotypes but then I’m a man, it’s what we do.
One of the most baffling behaviours is what ex-girlfriends do after you’ve broken up with them. I’m talking about the highly-strung ex-girlfriends that Biscuit and I have recent experience of.
You know the ones where a relationship doesn’t just end it’s a carefully orchestrated crash over a series of months that somehow makes it all your fault. A *ahem* fairly recent ex decided to snog (trans: French Kiss) some other men while I was away on a work thing but somehow that was my fault.
Anyway, so these women not destroy you but try to unravel you, it’s as if just breaking up with you isn’t enough they want to you to suffer. After a while you finally come to your senses and realise that they were being horrible all along and you want nothing more to do with them in that way.
This could be considered an epiphany but mostly you are just annoyed with yourself for being a spaz.
It’s at this point they seem desperate want to get back together with you. I’ve been getting a fairly constant stream of text messages from the ex over the last nine months including two very awkward evenings where she tried to seduce me and failed. Note to self: don’t meet her for coffee anymore.
To add to the fun she has a boyfriend now, so while she didn’t actually cheat on him with me, she tried very hard. Top marks for effort!
The weirdest thing about this whole behaviour is how the women involved seem completely unable to understand why you wouldn’t want to get back together with them. Biscuit’s ex was even talking about getting a house with him. She even seemed really offended when he wasn’t exactly pro the idea.
It would be very useful if there was a way of detecting these women early on so you could feign death, or membership to the French Foreign Legion to avoid them. There isn’t so instead I’ve installed a system. I’m not allowed to be in an official relationship anyone until they have been vetted by my female chums.
I’ll let you know if this works, until then I’ll go back to drawing pictures of robots.