Posts Tagged ‘Noir’

Doing Science: Biscuit’s Behavior

January 5, 2011 5 comments


Most of this holiday I have been laid up with the ills. 3 weeks and counting. Whilst this may have brought joy to some as I have lost my voice completely several times, it has been somewhat wearing on me and hasn’t exactly encouragedme to pursue girls as I have been feeling less than sexy. The inability to do any exercise has also destroyed my enthusiasm to do anything productive whatsover.

I also pretty much lost my voice when I was on the last date with Little Miss Naughty so social occasions anywhere I have to talk much or raise my voice above very low conversation are pretty much out of the question.

I don’t mean to whinge (well, maybe a little), I’m just painting you a picture of why I may be somewhat less than active with dating or writing.

I’ve also had a bit of a ribbing from Toast about my marriage percentage for Little Miss Naughty falling. He’s noticed a pattern whereby I get very enthusiastic about someone, then seem to lose interest and follow the next shiny thing.

I’ve been giving this a lot of thought because I don’t want to be one of those people who only pursue the unobtainable and get bored once they are interested. It’s a very unattractive quality in a person so I have been mulling over the girls who I have shown significant enthusiasm. In an effort to establish a pattern I have decided to do some science. Get your lab coats and safety glasses on and turn to page 312 of your copy book.

Lashes – I have stopped pursuing her because I am not really getting signals back from her anymore and have been tentatively warned off by a mutual friend because she is a bit of a heartbreaker.
Summary: Still interested but she’s evidently not.

Noir – I WAS rather keen but have cooled off over a few dates as I found I enjoyed spending time with her but have not been excited about dates so have cooled it off.
Summary: Was over keen, gradually lost romantic interest.

Elizabeth – I was over keen, then realised I just didn’t fancy her when we met up for a date.
Summary: Was over keen, suddenly lost romantic interest.

Fuckwittery – We got on like a proverbial burning abode before we even met, had a few very fun meets but both the complexity of her knowing about the blog in advance and her rather erratic careering between extremes of emotion made it obvious that being chums is a much better course of action.
Summary: Got on far too well and was over keen.

Cola Lollies – I was very interested but always felt like I should have been way more keen. Given how generally awesome she is it totally baffles me why I am not more romantically interested in her.
Summary: I WANT to be more into her but don’t understand why I’m not.

Stripy Dress: This was the first girl in a long time I was very interested in. I still would be if she hadn’t dicked me around a bit and suddenly gone really cold with no explanation.
Summary : Very disappointing, was interested in taking it further with her.

a) Was keen but no longer romantically interested in girl: 3
b) Girl lost  interest even though I was still keen: 2
c) WANT to b more interested in the girl but am not: 1

Both categories ‘a’ and ‘b’ fall within the behaviour pattern of ‘being interested until a girl is interested back then losing interest’. Just because 5 out of the 6 girls, on the face of it, fall within this pattern it does not necessarily mean that I am succumbing to this behaviour, but it does not bode well. No wonder Toast is not overly keen about me dating any of his friends.

I do genuinely believe that if Stripy Dress had not been such a spaz then I would not have lost interest. I was still very keen when it looked like she was reciprocating the feelings. Notably if I cast my mind back to the very start with cupcake I sustained the keenness when she was interested too.

It could be that I have just not had the right girl reciprocate my interest yet, that the ones I have not sustained romantic feeling for are just not right for me.

It could also be that I have to face up to some bad behaviour that will not be getting me married any time soon.

Lesson to learn
CALM DOWN!!!! Seriously, at least until I have had a couple of dates with the girl, then I am allowed to get break out the party poppers and make Toast do that glazed look where I waffle on about a girl ad nauseum (in between waffling about my favourite gun in Borderlands).

Whilst I can’t control how I feel about someone, if I keep calm then hopefully I can avoid my disappointment, prevent theirs and potentially sustain my interest.

Thing is, I REALLY have no self control! Perhaps I need to use some kind of adapted sexual climax delaying technique like thinking of dead kittens when I get too excited.

Oh… I don’t think of dead kittens when I…err… never mind.

Noir, Jamie Cullum and Jewish Bum Sex

November 24, 2010 7 comments


Early last week I met up for a second date with Noir. Our first had consisted of mojitos, pizza and a little kissing.

Since I had travelled to her last time, we met somewhere centrally this time. Actually, since it was so homely, I arranged to meet her in the same pub in which Toast first introduced me to the Virginian and we made multinational friends with the power of balloons.

By serendipity, we both arrived precisely 11 minutes late, so were both on time to walk in the door only 5 seconds apart.

The pub is ‘authentic London boozer’ upstairs and ‘homely restaurant’ downstairs so we were able to relocate to the basement when we fancied a little grub.

As I usually forget details from dates I have taken to jotting down reminders:

  1. There was a lot of talk of music, recommendations and counter recommendations. We’ve got quite a base of overlapping music taste and that’s always been quite important to me.
  2. We discussed my Borderlands addiction with a slightly sensitive tone that one might discuss booze with an alcoholic. I assured I had it under control… pretty much.
  3. Emoticons are favoured, although sparingly and to effect, much like swearing.
  4. Noir has some great anecdotes and after her accidental introduction into the London gangster scene a decade ago, this time I learned of a Frasier-esque farce where by both her and her dad ended up at a Jamie Cullum concert that neither of them wanted to be at. Although not wanting to be a a Jamie Cullum concert is not exactly surprising in itself, her dad had bought the tickets as a father daughter bonding activity thinking that she liked him, she went along for the bonding thinking that her dad was really keen. Let hilarity ensue!
  5. Apparently I was not the only person to raise the subject of Jewish bum sex with her in the previous week. Being the THIRD to independently raise the subject she was beginning to get a bit of a complex. She was unaware of the stereotype of Jewish girls doing a bum sex because it’s not ‘real’ sex and so doesn’t count. In retrospect, I think this may be a primarily American thing as I was listening to a lot of Keith and the Girl podcast for a while and it was discussed a number of times on there. Anyway, the subject was eventually vetoed due to exasperation!

A lot of my recent dates seem to have followed the same pattern: Meet drink, (optionally eat), kiss, say goodbye. This must be making some repetitive writing but I am not quite sure how to break out of that cycle.

Thing is, I’m not looking for a quick lay. It would be easy to arrange something at her or my house and let the natural progression of booze and coziness lead to hijinks. If I was just trying to do the sex, that would be a lot easier. Trying to find out whether you are compatible with a lady for a serious relationship, love and marriage is something else though.

On that basis, I don’t want to rush into winkle touching just for the sake of it.

We left the pub so I could walk her to the bus stop, with plan to have some time to do some kissing before she had to leave. Unfortunately her bus turned up in about 30 seconds… so she missed that. And the next. And the next! Blimes.

I’m being very cautious with my approach and trying to take it slow to see how things develop. M35%. That might seem low but it’s just me being measured.

Interestingly, Toast got an email from their mutual friend with the counter-intelligence on my date. It’s rare that you get this kind of info so you never really know how it went in the mind of the other person. However, here is her date report for me:

1. Biscuit bought the first round (gentleman points)
2. Biscuit had a very nice stripy top on (Noir fashion points)
3. Biscuit made her do lots of massive belly laughs (she said he would find
this either revolting or endearing; I suspect endearing)
4. Biscuit walked her to the bus stop and they let FOUR buses go by cos they
were too busy doing kissings on each other
(lackadaisical-attitude-to-transport points)

All in all, that’s a pretty good report! Certainly a lot better than I suspect some others might have given me based on precious behaviour.

Elizabeth, Brunel and Frasier.

November 11, 2010 4 comments


As you may have gathered from Toast’s account of the housewarming party, I was saved the catastrophic awkwardness of having both Noir and Elizabeth turn up to the same party as neither of them came. Toast had lunch with his and Elizabeth’s mutual friend (the birthday girl from Hallowe’en) a few days prior and Elzabeth had apparently discussed that I had ‘not mentioned’ the party to her.

Oh the shame.

At least (as was pointed out by @markaconell) I was saved the  ‘Frasier‘esque farce of trying to keep them separated in the kitchen and living room on some flimsy pretext, desperately dashing between the two to make polite conversation and avert the impending disaster.

For the record, I was attempting to NOT snog Toast’s friend at the party. Her sister is ‘The Artist‘ who I met in the pub and who made Toast and I pose for photos. I would actually rather like to kiss her and I have discovered that it is bad form to kiss two sisters. It can make them quite cross.

The Date with Elizabeth

With the party out of the way I was free to get on with my date with Elizabeth. She had been texting me fairly regularly and was really rather keen; a little too keen to be honest and it worried me slightly.

However I had been reciprocating the messages and we did seem to have a lot in common so was holding out a lot of hope. If the date went well then it would be a very promising relationship situation, although would do nothing to resolve my dilemma.

Rather than just go to a random pub I had arranged for us to go on a walking tour. For those who’ve not been on one before, you (and anyone else who is going) meet a guide  at a prearranged tube stop and then they take on a walk, explaining things as they go. They are great for dates because you have time to listen to interesting things and then some time to chat as you walk between each location.

This particular tour finished in newly the entrance shaft to the Brunels’ Thames Tunnel which was open to the public for the first time in 145 years (I highly recommend it if you get the chance).

Elizabeth had arrived at the rendezvous a few moments before me. Again, I didn’t recognise her for the first couple of seconds but gave her a grin and a hug the moment I did. She had no idea what I had planned so we chatted in the entrance to the station whilst I maintained the air of mystery.

What became painfully obvious to me within the first 10 minutes is that I just didn’t fancy her. We clicked on a number of levels but every time she noticed something else that we both had in common her eyes widened and she gave a little sigh. I was, therefore, trying to downplay everything because I could see her getting very hurt if she carried on down this route.

The walking tour was aces. However, I had neglected in any way to dress in a manner appropriate for almost freezing temperatures and the cutting wind chill of the Thames breeze. This was because I thought that the tour was mostly in a tunnel. It was not. The tour was mostly outside. 80 minutes of ‘outside’ in fact. My T-shirt, summer coat and insubstantial scarf was just not cutting it and Elizabeth was losing feelings in extremities too so she spent most of the time clinging on to my arm, occasionally giving it affectionate caresses.

After the tour we stopped at the museum for cake and then the log-fire heated ancient pub for a couple of beers. I could see she was getting more and more in to me and I was strategically positioning myself out of opportune snogging range.

I’ve posted a lot before about chemistry and how resistant to rationality and deduction it is. We had a lot to talk about and plenty in common but I just didn’t feel the chemistry and didn’t fancy her.

On the walk to the station and waiting for our respective trains I was acutely aware that this is the time that you would kiss a girl if you were going to on a date. We had already done a lot of kissing at Hallowe’en so I believe there was a degree of expectation on her part.

I dealt with this the same way I do with most challenges in my life. I just kept talking. Lots. She even deliberately didn’t catch her first train that departed a couple of minutes after we got there. When mine arrived a minute or so later I thanked her for joining me and gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

This was the ‘highly conspicuous kiss on the cheek that we both know is not on the mouth’ kiss. As I leaned back she looked up and pulled me in for a kiss on the lips. I gave her a closed mouth peck on the lips and bounded away for my train.

Although it was a little painful because I can tell she is going to have hurt feelings, it’s much more awkward than usual because of the mutual friend. I have to play it much more delicately than with a random girl off teh internets because I don’t want to reflect badly on Toast, come off badly myself, make her friend cross or hurt Elizabeth’s feelings. It is not unlikely that we will run into each other socially in the future.

Marriage percentage:  8%. Despite the common ground, the chemistry just wasn’t there.

Lessons learned:

  • When it is winter, wear warm clothes. Especially if you have arranged a walking tour OUTSIDE.
  • Isambard Kingdom Brunel is pretty aces and I need to learn more about him, or at least hope someone makes a film so I don’t have to read too much.
  • Snogging on the euphoria of a night out does not guarantee any chemistry in the real world.

Cocktails and cockney gansters.

November 10, 2010 1 comment


Following all my fretting over the potential disaster of both Noir and Elizabeth turning up to the house-warming, I had a date with Noir immediately after my completing my last post. In fact I was a lttle late because of it and had to push back the meeting slightly.

We met near to where she lives in trendy North London. With her distinctive sharply cut black fringe (and having seen photos on Facebook since we initially ‘bonded’ over Prince) I knew I would have no trouble recognising her. Thankfully I arrived first. There is no worse start to a date than rushing there all flustered and sweaty, so I am always happy to be waiting around.

I had ambivalent feelings about this date. I had very high hopes but was also torn over the whole simultaneous situation with Elizabeth. If anything I was erring slightly towards Elizabeth but really it was SUCH early days with both that it was impossible to separate them without at least a date each.

As it happened I didn’t actually immediately recognise her. Past experience of beaming gleefully at strangers as they approach, only to have them stride on past doing their best to avoid my maniacal smile, has taught me to be a little cautious when greeting new people. Also I am becoming slightly myopic as a result of wearing glasses for screen use and it’s playing havoc with my long distance facial recognition skills.

A couple of seconds after Noir sashayed into view I did overcome my creeping visual impairment and gave her a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. She whisked me off to a rather dimly red lit bar that served quite delicious, if cripplingly expensive, mojitos. There was a moment where she made it clear that she was free on Saturday night (the night of the housewarming). I conspicuously avoided the topic and felt rather self conscious doing so, but I think it went ok.

Noir kept asking me to check the time. At 9.30 she asked “are you hungry?”.

I am always hungry.

Finishing the last of drinks (which must have been made from unicorn tears they were so pricey), she lead me around the corner to a magnificent pizza/Italian restaurant. It had obviously been converted from something much more industrial and had bare wooden floors, big open spaces populated by a number of long communal tables and a lot of exposed brickwork.

Having not lived in London for very long I don’t really know many good venues for wining and dining so I usually end up groping around for somewhere suitable and just hoping that it isn’t ‘swingers’ night’ (or VERY loud metal night as happened on one date).

With mojitos in our bellies and food on the table the conversation really loosened up.  She told me an engrossing story of naively slipping into the trusted circle of some London gangsters when she was much younger, like something from Get Carter, only to be whisked out by her dad once he realised what was happening!

I wasn’t sure whether I still fancied her when we met outside the station. So much chemistry can be down to the jollity and atmosphere of a night out (and the social ‘lubrication’ of a nice G&T) that no matter how well you get on, it’s really hard to tell how much was a product of the moment. Sat there listening to her stories and embarrassing her with memories of things she’d said to me the other night, I found I did rather fancy her.

She walked me back to the station where we said our goodbyes. There was a couple of minutes of kissing then I negotiated my way home (via the unfamiliar night-bus network as I had missed the last train).

Had I known I was going to miss my train I would have left a little earlier but I did not really mind too much as the date had been worth it.

Marriage Percentage: 30%. I have learned to be cautious until I have had the chance to meet for a few dates but this was promising. Although I still felt rather duplicitous as I had a date with Elizabeth lined up within the next week too.

Maybe this kind of behaviour wouldn’t raise an eyebrow across the pond but I am British, and therefore perpetually guilty that I am not courting my (imaginary) childhood sweetheart with a summer picnic serving cucumber sandwiches on a gingham blanket in a buttercup meadow.

Although knowing me I would probably pitch it on sheep’s poo.

Kissing Girls in Clubs – Part 2

November 3, 2010 15 comments


I have inadvertently got myself into something of a pickle.. For the first time in ages, I have a strong contender for potential , uncomplicated, relationship material.. Noir is particularly interested and was quite forward in saying she thought I was lovely. I called her a couple of days after meeting her and arranged a date for this week. The kissing was great and we seem to be very much on the same level so it’s very encouraging. Pretty much the simple ‘boy meets girl’ scenario that seems to have been eluding me.

Well it seems that I can turn  any situation, no matter how simple, into a  convoluted conundrum

Saturday night was a night Hallowe’en celebrations. This is actually my absolute FAVOURITE  time of  year and I go all out on real horror. This year I got to play with Toast’s face too so we both  left the house dressed as horrific decaying zombies. Toast mentioned that this was the first time he had worn a costume that wasn’t specifically designed to impress ladies,. Quite the opposite in fact, this was  designed to utterly horrify them! Well… it’s nice to have a night off from attempting to impress ladies.

After a very amusing tube ride into town  scaring/entertaining fellow travellers  we arrived (first) at the venue where we were supposed to be meeting Toast’s friend and chums for her birthday/Hallowe’en celebration. Although we were the first ones there people arrived in dribs and drabs. The birthday girl has a LOT of pretty chums.

Thankfully we were immune from seriously trying to impress anyone, unless we were impressing them with our gangrene and loss of facial extremities. Toast’s friend was so horrified that she literally broke off a sentence mid-flow and said “I’m sorry, I can’t, you look so horrible” and ran away.

You can generally judge someone by the company they keep and everyone was lovely. As the night went on there was drinking, dancing, LOTS of having photos taken with strangers. We also met man wearing a pumpkin as a helmet who was a proper geordie miner and sang us mining songs.

That last part has absolutely nothing to do with the story but it was very impressive nevertheless.

Gradually, heat, sweat and time took their toll and our faces were melting off so we peeled off the remnants and emerged as sticky, slightly green, butterflies. We were still not exactly prize specimens. …or so I thought.

One of the birthday girl’s chums was wearing an excellent Elizabethan style crinoline dress with a swooshable hemline that she had to hitch up to dance, (which earns her the name Elizabeth) It was quite enchanting. She was being very flirty and Toast whispered to me that the birthday girl had said to him that she never behaves like this around any other boys.

After lots of dancing to the excellent brass band we kissed. We kissed a LOT actually. Toast said we were kissing for about an hour. She was very keen to meet up and do more of the same very soon so we swapped numbers and had a quick(ish) kiss goodbye.

Since then we have been communicating via text and she has been very interested.

And herein lies the problem. After months of searching for suitable marriage material I have stumbled across two girls within a week.

Both are interesting, pretty and sexy.

Both have a great sense of humour.

Both have a lovely circle of friends.

Both are great kissers.

Both are really interested in me.

Both are, surprisingly, around my own age.

More crucially,  both have been extended an invitation (pre-kissing) to mine and Toast’s house-warming this weekend.

This could be disastrous. Not just for me and my marriage chances, but for the ladies involved and their feelings if they both turn up.

I am not, by nature, a duplicitous person. I don’t wan to fib to people in general and especially to girls I like. I’m quite happy to discuss with either of them that I have been meeting other people for dates and I couldn’t entertain the possibility of simultaneously dating two girls with any degree of seriousness. However to potentially have both of them turning up to the same party at this stage will only end badly.

~I am going to do my best to avoid mentioning the housewarming to either of them again, but this may involve some evasion of the truth, which does not sit easy with me. I would really like both of them there… but not at the same time!

I really need a couple of dates to work out what to do as, until it gets serious, there’s not explicit problem with dating anyone else. However I potentially don’t have the luxury of that time! I have a date with Noir tonight and will try to avoid all talk of this weekend.

This is very unfamiliar territory and, quite frankly, I need some help in how to approach it!

Any suggestions???

Kissing Girls in Clubs – Part 1

November 2, 2010 8 comments


Recently we celebrated Toast’s and RB’s birthdays with  a night out in North London.  We started at RB’s place for Red Stripe beer and chilli jacket potatoes (essential pre-drinking stodge).

RB has a bunch of rather lovely friends and I set about making balloon models for them to play with, because we are all grown-ups like that. We left the house all wearing one of many fezzes that had been bought for the occasion and the shenanigans continued on the bus where we met a gentleman straight from the pages of ‘The Chap’. He was wearing a rather dapper wide-brimmed trilby, which one of RB’s friends managed to persuade him to let her try on.

With her long black hair, fringe cut straight above the eyes and long coat she looked like a sexy ‘40s private eye. I must say that was a much better look than the Fez.

Toast and RB had booked tables in a painfully hip bar, the kind of place that seemed to have an unspoken ‘no ugly people’ rule. Fleetstreetfox and Scalene also arrived and everyone set about pouring as much booze into the birthday boy and girl’s faces as possible.

Having been so impressed with RB’s ‘film noir’ friend, I made an effort to  chat to her through the evening. Toast and RB had already pegged that there might be a little chemistry there and were watching with anticipation.
After lots of chats we were on our way to the bar when the DJ played Prince’s ‘Kiss’, which we both gleefully began singing along to:

You don’t have to be rich to be my girl
You don’t have to be cool to rule my world
Ain’t no particular sign I’m more compatible with
I just want your extra time and your …

…at that moment I cheekily bobbed my head down and kissed her. Well, what could I do? Prince TOLD me to.

Noir looked surprised and then pleased.

The rest of the night was a mix of chatting, dancing and kissing, in about a 30%, 30%, 40% ratio.  I’m very aware of  kissing ‘in  peoples’ faces’ (other peoples’ faces, not the person you’re kissing obviously) so I tried to keep it to the edges of the bar and at least semi discrete.

The two moments which I remember the clearest are when she grabbed my bum, making me feel like a teenager, and when she said “I’ve never snogged a posh boy before”. The latter of these two made me giggle as I was born in East London and don’t consider myself posh. Though, if you were an American speaking to me on the telephone you might envisage me in a bowler hat, sipping tea from fine bone china whilst eating a cucumber sandwich and bemoaning the weather and England’s cricket performance.

Eventually it was time to take a drunken Toast home so we swapped numbers on the genuine promise of calling her all said goodbyes to the rest of the birthday crew and the painfully hip bar before parting ways.

Toast said to RB that he had basically already lost the wager as Noir was basically my type (great fringe, naughty eyes, pretty, cheeky) but wasn’t mental.

RB whispered to me that I had better be lovely to her or else. Yikes! Mind you, there’s no better way for her to look out her friend as she can read exactly what I’m up to here. Actually, on that basis I’m not sure why more people don’t want to set their eligible female friends up with us .